Today mark a year of the passing of my mom. Only Allah SWT knows how I feel. Deep in my heart I'm missing her so much. I feel so alone without her. Sometimes, I hate myself for being so close to her because in the end, I think of all people, I felt the biggest impact of losing her.
Nobody knows the every Chemotherapy session I spent with her, the things we say, we do, we exchange during that session.
Nobody knows how she always decide to text me and call me first when she is pain, it got me panic and scared and how I would just rush back home from in the middle of work.
Nobody knows how I sacrificed my tiredness and work every Sunday just to get more annual leaves because it was finishing, so I could use it for her emergency.
Nobody knows the hours I would wait for her at A&E.
Nobody knows every behind CT Scan results, how my heart crash into pieces when the results always showed other wise, yet I put up a brave front, showed her my happy smile and tell her everything is going to be alright.
Nobody knows the every treatment, I sent her to. I see her through the needles and injections of Chemotherapy and her endless blood test. Those biopsy pain. The insulin injection. The injection that make her cry. I see through all that.
Nobody knows that every lunch break I have at work, I would ran to surprise her in the hospital with food when she is admitted, so that she would at least eat because she hated the hospital food. After which, I rushed back to work and visited her again when I end work.
Nobody knows how she would tell me things that make her upset and make me give in to everybody so that everyone could have peace.
Nobody basically knows how she cried her tears and heart out, that final moment when she is in the doctor's room, knowing everything seems to not be okay.
Nobody knows when she always calls me at 3am in the morning, sometimes in pain that she cried and made me cry too, and sometimes telling me she saw me with 2 people, it was angel that she must have seen, knowing by then, it was just days before she left.
Nobody knows how she wants me to wheel her down to the first floor in the wheelchair because she wanted the sun. :') And covered herself with a blanket. It made me laugh.
Nobody get to feel the pain and hurt I feel when the doctor came right up to me and say "I'm sorry, she got 3 months left."
Nobody knows what happened the last few nights when I spent with her sleeping in the hospital together just to accompany her. How she would wake up every minutes not comfortable sleeping, how she would sing the night away and talking to me like a child would.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody knows the emptiness I feel when she's gone.
While everybody move on with their life yet remembering her from time to time, but here I am still stuck missing her so badly, wishing she is here with me right now. Because why? I am here FOREVER alone without her. It sucks being me sometimes.
But I have always redha. I'm always glad that I get to share many moments with her while she was still around. And that very part of me no matter how I hated myself, I feel blessed and thankful for. Thank you Allah SWT for everything that you have made written in my life. You always have a plan for us, the best of all planner and You knows best, the almighty, the all-knowing.
Tawakkal.
I hope you make me a person with greater strength to go through your test and obstacles. And make me calm, more and more redha with every little passing fate that is written for me. Amin!
XOXO,
Princess Azie Anni ♥
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