Dear Diary,
Today mark a year of the passing of
my mom. Only Allah SWT knows how I feel. Deep in
my heart I'm missing
her so much. I feel so alone without
her. Sometimes, I hate myself for being so close to
her because in the end, I think of all people, I felt the biggest impact of losing
her.
Nobody knows the every Chemotherapy session I spent with
her, the things we say, we do, we exchange during that session.
Nobody knows how
she always decide to text me and call me first when she is pain, it got me panic and scared and how I would just rush back home from in the middle of work.
Nobody knows how I sacrificed my tiredness and work every Sunday just to get more annual leaves because it was finishing, so I could use it for
her emergency.
Nobody knows the hours I would wait for
her at A&E.
Nobody knows every behind CT Scan results, how
my heart crash into pieces when the results always showed other wise, yet I put up a brave front, showed
her my happy smile and tell
her everything is going to be alright.
Nobody knows the every treatment, I sent
her to. I see
her through the needles and injections of Chemotherapy and
her endless blood test. Those biopsy pain. The insulin injection. The injection that make
her cry. I see through all that.
Nobody knows that every lunch break I have at work, I would ran to surprise
her in the hospital with food when
she is admitted, so that
she would at least eat because
she hated the hospital food. After which, I rushed back to work and visited
her again when I end work.
Nobody knows how
she would tell me things that make
her upset and make me give in to everybody so that everyone could have peace.
Nobody basically knows how
she cried
her tears and
heart out, that final moment when
she is in the doctor's room, knowing everything seems to not be okay.
Nobody knows when
she always calls me at 3am in the morning, sometimes in pain that
she cried and made me cry too, and sometimes telling me
she saw me with 2 people, it was angel that
she must have seen, knowing by then, it was just days before
she left.
Nobody knows how
she wants me to wheel
her down to the first floor in the wheelchair because
she wanted the sun. :') And covered herself with a blanket. It made me laugh.
Nobody get to feel the pain and hurt I feel when the doctor came right up to me and say "
I'm sorry, she got 3 months left."
Nobody knows what happened the last few nights when I spent with
her sleeping in the hospital together just to accompany
her. How
she would wake up every minutes not comfortable sleeping, how
she would sing the night away and talking to me like a child would.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody knows the emptiness I feel when
she's gone.
While everybody move on with their life yet remembering
her from time to time, but here I am still stuck missing
her so badly, wishing
she is here with me right now. Because why? I am here FOREVER alone without
her. It sucks being me sometimes.
But I have always redha. I'm always glad that I get to share many moments with
her while
she was still around. And that very part of me no matter how I hated myself, I feel blessed and thankful for. Thank you Allah SWT for everything that you have made written in my life. You always have a plan for us, the best of all planner and You knows best, the almighty, the all-knowing.
Tawakkal.
I hope you make me a person with greater strength to go through your test and obstacles. And make me calm, more and more redha with every little passing fate that is written for me. Amin!
XOXO,
