Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2016

Dear Diary,

I hope it's not too late but Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin to all my blog readers.

I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize if I have wronged any one of you, hurt you guys with my words or action wise intentionally or unintentionally all these times. Let's reset the counter to 0-0, kosong-kosong. Hehe!

This year my family decided to go green. Actually we wanted the darker green colour but we went to look for our baju kurung a little bit too late. By then, as you know, the prices may have went down quite a bit but the sizes are mostly gone. After like days and days, hours and just hours of baju kurung hunting, my family decided to settle for a lighter green, your ketupat kind of colour which can accommodate both the sizes for Ayah and Muhammad as well as mine.

06 July 2016

Been so tired lately because I did the cooking and the ketupat on my own, except that Ayah helped me to weave most ketupat and I did the tightening, and the filling of the rice grain andddddd...the boiling of ketupat for 5 hours on my own. Tskkk!

And the night before I followed my bestfriend and her family to Geylang and left the place only at 1am. After which, headed to her house and she did for henna. It was very pretty with heart-shaped design and I truly love it. And I went home like around 6am in the morning and that's when the series of ketupat happened. Lol!

So yesterday, I felt really tired back to work. My body-self is being cranky and I have been having diarrhea, slight fever and I have been rejecting food. I want to eat because I feel hungry but I keep vomiting that I give up in eating. I guess exhaustion got the better of me. And tomorrow is the weekends, it also mean that I will be back to jalan raya-ing again. Oh dear.

Till I write again.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

Happy Father's Day, Ayah.

Dear Diary,

I actually do not know what to blog about. My life has become too routine that I don't find it any interesting to blog about anything. Unlike during those days when I was in Secondary School or Polytechnic days, every day there's something for me to blog about, to tell a story.

As I grow, I find myself to keep things to myself or just a few bunch of people knowing. My life is rather private now and I don't broadcast anything anymore that happened. Well, life. They are full of ups and downs. But I'm quite contented, with family and my husband to be, D. Insyaallah. Amin!

Since it's the fasting month, I have only been to the mosque once for one terawih, sadly. Compared to all my previous fasting month, I usually frequent the masjid often for terawih. Find myself, getting more and more tired nowadays. Haiyoz! Belum kahwin lagi.

And to Geylang once too.

I have yet to try the interesting food down there, because the queue itself can really turned me off. Errr! I really hate to wait especially if there's pretty long queue, and I don't have patience for such. But nevermind, hopefully when I go there again, I will TRY to queue for something interesting.

My family haven't decide what colour baju kurung we will be wearing this year. And this will also be my last time wearing the same colour as my family, sadly. Because when next year Hari Raya comes, I will be putting a new set of colour with my new family. Heeeeee! Insyaallah. Amin! Talking about this, gives me the jitters and excitement. Till here.

And yes, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, AYAH.

Thank you for being both my Mama & Ayah nowwww. I love you!

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

14 June 2016

Dear Diary,

Today mark a year of the passing of my mom. Only Allah SWT knows how I feel. Deep in my heart I'm missing her so much. I feel so alone without her. Sometimes, I hate myself for being so close to her because in the end, I think of all people, I felt the biggest impact of losing her.

Nobody knows the every Chemotherapy session I spent with her, the things we say, we do, we exchange during that session.

Nobody knows how she always decide to text me and call me first when she is pain, it got me panic and scared and how I would just rush back home from in the middle of work.

Nobody knows how I sacrificed my tiredness and work every Sunday just to get more annual leaves because it was finishing, so I could use it for her emergency.

Nobody knows the hours I would wait for her at A&E.

Nobody knows every behind CT Scan results, how my heart crash into pieces when the results always showed other wise, yet I put up a brave front, showed her my happy smile and tell her everything is going to be alright.

Nobody knows the every treatment, I sent her to. I see her through the needles and injections of Chemotherapy and her endless blood test. Those biopsy pain. The insulin injection. The injection that make her cry. I see through all that.

Nobody knows that every lunch break I have at work, I would ran to surprise her in the hospital with food when she is admitted, so that she would at least eat because she hated the hospital food. After which, I rushed back to work and visited her again when I end work.

Nobody knows how she would tell me things that make her upset and make me give in to everybody so that everyone could have peace.

Nobody basically knows how she cried her tears and heart out, that final moment when she is in the doctor's room, knowing everything seems to not be okay.

Nobody knows when she always calls me at 3am in the morning, sometimes in pain that she cried and made me cry too, and sometimes telling me she saw me with 2 people, it was angel that she must have seen, knowing by then, it was just days before she left.

Nobody knows how she wants me to wheel her down to the first floor in the wheelchair because she wanted the sun. :') And covered herself with a blanket. It made me laugh.

Nobody get to feel the pain and hurt I feel when the doctor came right up to me and say "I'm sorry, she got 3 months left."

Nobody knows what happened the last few nights when I spent with her sleeping in the hospital together just to accompany her. How she would wake up every minutes not comfortable sleeping, how she would sing the night away and talking to me like a child would.

Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody.

Nobody knows the emptiness I feel when she's gone.

While everybody move on with their life yet remembering her from time to time, but here I am still stuck missing her so badly, wishing she is here with me right now. Because why? I am here FOREVER alone without her. It sucks being me sometimes.

But I have always redha. I'm always glad that I get to share many moments with her while she was still around. And that very part of me no matter how I hated myself, I feel blessed and thankful for. Thank you Allah SWT for everything that you have made written in my life. You always have a plan for us, the best of all planner and You knows best, the almighty, the all-knowing.

Tawakkal.

I hope you make me a person with greater strength to go through your test and obstacles. And make me calm, more and more redha with every little passing fate that is written for me. Amin!

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

Letter to Mama..

Dear Diary,

Dear Mama..

I miss you so much today. So much that I keep crying, I feel so sad. Here I am seated in this home alone...without you. Well, the everyday evening has always been the 2 of us mostly, watching TVs, sometimes snacking, me sharing you what my day is like and you telling me stories about your day. While Ayah is out to work, Muhammad always home late in the wee hours and Adik is out with Ressal. Now that Adik is married, having her family of her own, her own adorable son..pretty much busy with life - a perfect family. Syukur Alhamdulilah. I can never so much happier for her.

Mama, maybe I don't deserve the happiness in the world at all, or maybe I live in this life just to keep being happy for other people, or maybe my happiness is not here yet? I am unsure.

I have never blame fate or His Qada' and Qadar. Nothing like that. I accept what has been written for me in life. I am very much redha and put my trust in Him in denoting what is best for me. But being redha does not necessarily mean I don't tear sometimes. I do because I'm not emotionless. I feel pain. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I have feelings and I do feel..deep. I feel deep.

At the end of the day, how I wish I could come back to those warmth hugs & touch, comforting words and make me feel safe all over again. My time in this world was short but I hope I get to spend an eternity with you in the thereafter, Mama. Insyaallah. Amin.

My mom, you are irreplaceable and I miss you very very much. I hope God send me my missing kisses over to you.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Not Worthy.

Dear Diary,

I think I have come to a point where I give up in life.

 

I give up in all the people around me.

 

More of people don't even need me in their life ever.

 

My absence or appearance doesn't matter to anyone.

 

I don't know what else am I living for in this world if it's not because of God.

 

I have no reason to live for, nothing to live for.

 

If I could give this life away, I will give it away to people who deserve it more than me.

 

I am not worthy of this life, not even worthy of my own life.

Azie Anni