When will you learn?

Dear Diary,

I know shouldn’t be feeling this way at all but I can’t help it feeling it a little bit right now. Jealousy.

Mama wanted to give part of her CPF money to Adik & I hoping that we would use that money for education or wedding purposes wise in future but I told Mama that I wouldn’t want a single cent from her. Not because of anything but I have this precept in life for as long as we healthy and can work, we will work and earn the money ourselves. And I want Mama to keep that money for her own purposes, for her to enjoy and spend on herself on whatever she wants. Them bringing me up is already such a big appreciation for me, don’t need for the money. =’)

But apparently, she is using that money partly for Muhammad. =( Already she got part of her CPF money before, she spent on my brother’s Xbox which cost quite a lot. Not that she mention she wants to give part of the money to my brother but she is getting a new TV for the house but is giving away the big TV in the living room to my brother. And I THINK she bought some stuff again for my brother’s Xbox which again cost quite a bit.

I know my brother is the baby of the family but sometimes I feel Mama treat us somewhat unequal. =(  And it hurts me so bad when each time she does that and says, she doesn’t need to care about me Adik & I anymore because we’re grown up and big enough. Yes, I may be a grown up but I still want to be loved by her, I want her to pamper me like how she pampers my brother. I may be independent working and stuff but I still NEED her in my life.

Despite my brother’s constant “ill-treating” Mama, she still love him A LOT and doesn’t bother much about me which I thought I’ve been the one sacrificing almost everything for her. I don’t need anything in return from her but all I was hoping that she would at least spare a thought for me. I am never in her thoughts. Even when I bring her out, she is always talking about my brother and stuff. How much she loves him and how much she wants him to treat her nicer.

Sometimes I asked myself, I’m here for her but sadly it’s not me that she wants. =( And again sometimes it just makes me feel so upset and angry at my brother for being so stupid and ignorant. Despite that so much love Mama has for him, he doesn’t know how to appreciate and keep hurting her over and over again, because if I’m in his shoes I would be the happiest child ever alive in this world.

I still remember those days when I had to wait just months and months just to get a new pair of $10 school shoes while my brother don’t even have to wait to get money for his $150 pair of school shoes. =( We have to get top 10 in class just to get stuff that we want and when we always managed to get top 10 in class, parents changed it to top 3 in class before we could get what we want. Still, we did and prove it to them we can and coming in top 3 in class almost every semester. While my brother gets his Xbox, Handphone, PS3 and whatever it is without needing to study hard.

My parents make us save our own school pocket money to pay our phone bills, clothes, school books while my brother gets it off easy by having Mama to top up for his handphone every time. And when I go out with my friends for dinner or a short meet up, I have NEVER asked them for money unless if I really have none but it can be counted out of 100 times that I go out with my friends, probably only once or twice I asked them for money. While again, my brother asked them for money every single day each time when he has his lepak session with his friends. Seriously, like as if he lives in a big condo and like as if my parents print paper money.

Being that, I have never seen us getting into fights in school, having the teacher to call our parents up for misbehaving and getting ourselves into trouble with the authority, despite all that less luxury that we didn’t get, we studied hard and make them proud by graduating and get a job now.

I dislike the way how he orders Mama around to get stuff for him despite what Mama is now. I dislike the way how he is always so rude to Mama. I dislike the way how he is always asking Mama for money despite our financial. I dislike the way how he always demands Mama this and that. I dislike the way how he asks Mama to massage his body when he is supposed to massage Mama. I dislike the way how Mama keep talking and proud of his massage that he did just once when I massage Mama many times! I can’t stand his rudeness towards Mama sometime treating her like as if she was his little sister. I dislike that he is always unappreciative to the things that Mama sacrifice and do for him. I dislike Mama is always wishing that he would hug and kiss her when I always hug and kiss her and it doesn’t matter to her. Haiz!

Yes, you can tell me, it’s my gain and it’s my brother’s lost. But until when? It’s because he IS MY BROTHER and that I love him that I want him to LEARN and not behaving this way. Until when will he learn to learn? Until when will he realize? One day? But he is big enough to start learning now.

Still, no matter what it is and whatever it is. I should remove those jealousy off my chest and yes, I’ve did. =) Because being jealous is sinful, and it is definitely one of the seven deadly sins. I should be happy for my brother and I know deep down, Mama really love me. Mama loves my sister and brother equally as well, it’s just that probably the love that she shows my brother is a bit more exhibit than the love that she has for Adik & I.

XOXO,

Princessazie Bella ♥
Elena Gilbert(: