Too late.

Dear Diary,

I never thought I need anybody like him. I feel like he is everything that I ever wanted.

It has been 2 years since I first notice and being me, I don't usually freely talk to anybody and even if so, I don't usually entertained. I've gathered the courage all these years. I tried so much. So many ways, so many things.

I had so many dreams of you and me.

And I promised myself I would leave if things start to pick up, which initially I thought it was. When you said something that was so painful for me to bear. Too painful that I felt I was being such a fool all these while. Plain dumb. Stupid girl. I could just simply laugh at myself for all the things I've done. I deserve every jeer. Come on, laugh at me. How can I not see this one coming TOO?

Because I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale.

I chuck away my list. I lower down my paradigm despite knowing the difference. Sky high and bottom sea it was. It was almost impossible but honestly, I believed, I really believed. So what if you're educated but yet you make person who are less educated than you, make use of you. That is the worst feeling ever. But then again, nothing is new. It has been like this ever since. Nobody is ever sincere.

Do you love me?

"Yeahs."

Can you give me another chance?

"No."

Till here. I'm very much exhausted. I already have so much things on my plate and would not want another. Thank you again for being the next disappointment. I've finally given up. It was already my last straw.

XOXO,
Princess Azie Anni

Stuck In The Middle

Dear Diary,

Stuck in the middle.

1) Someone whom you have been and loving for the longest time. The two of you become too comfortable with each other and realised sometimes you have been taking each other for granted or rather, been taken for granted. He doesn't really treat you that special anymore and you can count the special things he did for you, to make you feel special. Has a good character. And for one reason, you know he loves you very much more than anything else but doesn't show it. You don't have to even doubt his love for you. A very faithful guy whom you know would not leave you for another woman or even look for another, and is willing to do anything for you, sort of. Education wise is just right, speak good English and street smart just like how you like it. However, like to keep things away from you that makes you unaware of his surrounding. And doesn't like to bring you along or allow you to get to know his friends or relatives, making you feel that he is not serious with you. Doesn't really like talking things out when there is a problem and couldn't be bothered to find a job and makes you feel that he doesn't have the slightest sympathy towards you since he is not working to that direction to make you, his wife. You wish you could hold on longer but part of you tell you to give up seeing it not leading you anywhere.

2) Someone you had crush for a few years and like every fairy tale, he started noticing you and asked for your number. You started talking, exchanging gifts, food and etc etc etc, doing special things for you and makes you feel special at times. Let others be aware that he is contacting you and you like the feeling, sort of. You are clear of your feelings for him. However, you are not clear of his feelings for you. One moment you feel that he likes you and the next moment you feel like he is not. You are not really so sure of his character wise but as you get to know him better, you somewhat know how he is like but Alhamdulilah, it has been good so far. Very hard working and driven towards his job but doesn't really speak good English and not really well to do. Something that you don't mind but you wished you hadn't but still it's really really okay to you. And sometimes you find it hard to par with him and share the same frequency since both of you are in different educational level, things that he say may not be what you agree and vice versa. BUT you are willing to compromise by any chance. Your feelings just started growing for him more each day but sometimes, you feel like telling yourself to give up as well because it come to a point whereby you are just tired of "chasing" and "trying", even though you wished something to happen. He doesn't ask you out at all and etc, makes you feel like you're the only one clapping hands.

3) Someone whom you have no idea about his existence but started talking to you. Very well to do and highly educated. No idea how is he like though but character and attitude wise have been Alhamdulilah good as well. Someone who performs his prayers just like how you wanted. And you know he is showing interest in you since he keep asking you out for lunch, wanting to fetch you from work and school, a gentleman. Any girl with the right of mind would have fallen and chosen him. You wish you could too. You did try, but your feelings is just not working with you.

Isn't feeling the most complicated thing ever? The long list that you had with you about your dream guy totally demolish when you meet someone that you started to like. You don't really care about his background or whatever that you wanted all these while.

But ultimately, I shall leave everything to Allah SWT. I'm sure He has plans for me. No use being upset or complicate things more for myself. Because whatever is written for me has already been written and nothing will ever change besides constant prayers and doa hoping for the best. When the time is right and if it's going to happen, it will happen. Insyaallah.

It's for me to know and for you to find out, whoever I end up with. Even I could not answer that. Till here. Shall wait for few more hours before I could break my fast. Feeling all sleepy already.

XOXO,
Princess Azie Anni

A better Muslimah

Dear Diary,

It kept me thinking..

I wore my sleveless blouse, waist tied ribbon with my mini skater skirt. 

Yesterday, as I was heading to the wash room, I bumped into the cleaner aunty, well I call her Kakak to be exact since she's not that really old. The moment she saw me, she gave me this taken aback look. So me being the usual friendly me, I went over to say Hello.

But end up with a,

"Lawa nya dia hari ni. Tapi ni dah nak dekat bulan puasa, tak boleh tau pakai sexy-sexy macam gini."

I just stood there while smiling, I told her, "Ye kak, saya tahu."

I mean it's good that she care to tell me things like this. When people correct you, means they love you in a way. But I don't dress openly during Ramadhan as well. It has been my principle since many years ago.

The obvious thing that I'm worst at being a Muslimah which I cannot deny is the way I dress. I want to don on the Hijab one day of course, Insyaallah but not at the moment. Because I want to make sure that when I don the tudung, I am sincere and all prepared for it and portray a good example.

Even the non-muslim question me sometimes. People with tudung should portray a rather polite front but what do you see now when you see people with tudung?

-Laughing so loud in the public

-Holding hands with boyfriend, bukan muhrim

-Gossip openly

And etc etc etc, which sometimes people without tudung don't do. 

I just want to make sure that after I get married, then prolly I will don the tudung. Because holding my husband hand is not wrong in public by then. At the same time, I want to be fully prepared and sincere when I put it on. I don't want to be putting on the tudung and at the bottom of my heart I still have thoughts like.. "Ohh, how I wish I can wear that dress, mini skirt if I don't don the tudung."

A friend mentioned, it's okay if people see me on the outside to be like this, as long as I know what I'm doing. Clothing is external but what most important is internal,

Your attitude, being polite, being nice all the time and etc.

And not forgetting my prayers which Alhamdulilah I have been performing, puasa which I've been doing and Terawih which I love going to. Amin.

I'm still trying to be a better Muslimah each day. Insyaallah. Well, I'm almost reaching my journey to work now.

Have a nice day everyone.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni