I'm supposed to work on my dissertation project but I decided to spare some time pending my thoughts down.
After months and months, I finally picked myself up. Slowly, I learn what love is again, I slowly try to love again. It was difficult especially if you know what I've been through. I've met few people, dated some and none seems to 'click' well with me. Maybe they do, but my heart choose to linger.
Yes, the PROBLEM with ME. I don't fall in love easily and neither do I open up easily to anyone. He, can be someone so perfect, a dream guy to any woman but if my heart doesn't reside, I wouldn't, not even trying to force myself to. Sometimes, I feel like slapping myself for being this way.
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So I met H. We started talking just because I made a remarks over wanting to get a Samsung or iPhone 5. I would say, H was the perfect dream guy. He was right in front of me, a full package guy but...I choose to let it slip. Even when he keeps trying and he always try to win me over until now. I mean I DID force myself to like him and even go for subsequent dates just to be fair with situation. Even I feel that any woman would be so lucky to be with him, I won't deny that fact. But I just couldn't do it, really. SLAP ME SOMEONE.
I met F at my workplace. It was a coincident that we happened to bump into each other because he happened to be one of the engineer for one of my faulty machine. F was a true gentleman that I thought would have never existed. He drove me out once for supper in his car. Open the car door for me, talk politely and sweetly to me, and the way he look at me, is just.....
But who's to know. I mean everyone knows except for me that he was already attached! I don't stalk people on Facebook! For that, WHAT THE PHUCK! This is what we call an a**hole. I wouldn't want to use this word seriously. But having a girlfriend and bringing another girl out even if it's not a date, just the both of us but just for a short supper is seriously an a**hole! So being a jerk like this is definitely not being a gentleman at all. Screw you! I could have been mean and spill the beans to the girlfriend but I choose not to. I choose to just take it in a way that I was too irresistible that he cannot wait to ask me out after bumping into me for just one day. A**hole! Okay, the irresistible part was just KIDDING.
I met B at a wedding occasion. He was okay-okay. It was okay getting to know him but Mama wasn't too please about us going out together because of his past background. He told me he is a change person and I choose to believe it. Mama was too upset with me that she didn't want to talk to me at all, so I decided not to continue anything with B. But seriously, thank God. What was I thinking to be with this kind of person? Remember, a leopard never changes spot. As soon as I stop replying his text, he revert back to his old ways. PHEW!
Meanwhile, I was head over heels about this particular boy, S. You can say we are "colleagues" at different work place. But I like him too much in the process that I lose myself. And little did I realise, I did so many things for him but only to be treated back like a "fool". That's one thing about me. When I love someone, I love hard. I did so many, too much to please him, to win his heart. Cook for him, spent on him. Whatever. Which along the way, of course, he became the upper hand and me at the lower hand. He is someone nice but it felt like I was being kept in the dark. There were many things that he did or say that hurt my feelings but I choose to overlook them and still believe that he will be the one for me. Like they say, love is blind. And what's worse of all worse things, I wasn't being my true-self with this one. I was like hiding behind a brick of wall all the time. The fact is, I know NUTS about cooking but I actually tried to learn COOKING just to please because he loves home-cook food. Oh boy, it makes me nothing but turn out to be sucha fool. I WAS.
These are some people that make "impacts" on my life along the way. There were some but I couldn't even be bothered to even talk or further the conversation with them. Either they are being a pain in the butt even at the very first time or I don't think they would even be the one. And I wouldn't say I have totally give up searching for love. You can say, I choose not to think about it any more after all these few setbacks. All I did was to be patient and continue praying and let Allah and fate decide on everything.
It was then I met D. I don't usually talk to random people on FB but I sort of did for this one. Not because I wanted to start a conversation of getting to know him but I was rather being sarcastic telling him off because he was spamming too much 'likes' on my FB. Hahaha! But it was because of this spamming likes that I started noticing him but I didn't had any hope on him at all.
Frankly, I cannot describe this feeling after knowing him. He was like Superman. HAHAHA! We click in an instant just after one meet-up. He was like the Prince charming that I've been searching for, well at least to me. Too tall. Too good-looking. And most importantly, it felt more like too good to be true after that. -_-' Duh. And they say, when things are too good to be true, they usually ain't real. So.....I had my insecurities. It's not that I don't trust him but, I had my guard up. He has the look, the height, you can say almost the full package guy yet again, but why of all woman, it's me?! Seriously why me?! I am truthfully NOTHING compared to all of that he has. And he definitely deserve to be with taller and prettier girls than being with me.
And the fact is I feel happy being with him and especially when I'm with him, it felt like the world just revolves around him, doesn't help much in my part, to not like him right? Haiyaz! He is a sweetheart. He doesn't and has never belittle me despite my imperfections so far. It was our 2nd meet-up and we text each other often. He sees through few of my flaws already and never once it made him feel unlawful towards me. And the best thing, I acted my true-self when I'm with him. With that, he is still patience enough towards me. You can say, he accepted me just the way I am.
BUT! Yes, there's a BUT.
I don't want to be hurt anymore. It hurts a lot getting hurt over and over again even after my biggest fallout break-up hurt. :( The hurt hasn't stop. It just kept going and I kept hurting until now. And if I'm going to picture myself handling relationship issue like dealing over a third party issue over some pretty woman. I rather not. So, before someone get sick looking at my nothing to look at face, I rather not prolong anything further.
I'm just trying to look for solutions to get myself out of this kind of situation. Oh well. I'm tired of writing and thinking. Goodnight now.
XOXO,
Princess Azie Anni ♥
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