BTO

Dear Diary,

I am so happy for my friends and when I see some of them are collecting the keys to their home and some of them are going for their HDB appointment booking their flat already. And it's literally one by one of my friends, and then, there's D and I, who have applied for almost numerous times and we still haven't got any. Screw you big time HDB!

No, I am not jealous, don't get me wrong. I am sincerely truly happy for all of my friends. Just that I do wonder when are we getting ours? Haiz! Because of this, it got me so upset and then I started thinking nonsense. Like maybe, D and I are not meant to be together or what, that's why we haven't gotten any, when we urgently and obviously needed a house. Then I thought again, maybe I did mention to myself before we apply for house. If D and I are meant to be together, we will get a house, or else it may not. And it saddens me more than anything else, even after so many attempts. Haiz!

"I am so sad, a lot of my friends applied house after me and they already got the keys to their home and some going for their appointment to book a flat already. Look at me, I got nothing."

And my friend's answer strike me, "Azie..at least you're getting married. Look at me, Haizzz! I am not even getting married yet. Not even near."

That.....people....was seriously a big smack right on my face. I remember how I was at that position one time before. How I always wanted a Halal relationship and I wanted to get married. How I wish there was a man who was willing to accept me, marry me, love me and take care of me. I no longer wanted to involve myself in a relationship full of fake fantasies and not ending in marriage. All I wanted was a Halal relationship with someone, not about monetary value and not even a house was at the back of my mind. And then Alhamdulilah, along came D and look where we are now, exactly what I've prayed for.

Subhanallah. I thought to myself. What have I ever felt bless about? I wanted A and He bless me with A. And then without thanking Him for A that He has already blessed me with, I started complaining about B. How ungrateful was I?!

Plus I have exactly no rights to determine the failure of my HDB results means a failure relationship, because nothing as such determines anything in life. For everything that happens it is Him who decides, His Qada' and Qadr'. And probably, He is testing my patience. I don't know what I have become, allowing sadness to overcome me in such ways. Subhanallah! Subhanallah!

And this from SafinahSg touches me,

You got engaged.
You planned for your future house,
you wished for 3 kids,
you booked your BTO
but then he/she decided to leave,
and the wedding never happened.

 

You got married.
Things were going so well,
you received news that you are becoming a parent,
you bought baby shoes, baby clothes and even a crib,
but then the ultrasound decided to stay silent,
there wasn't any heartbeat,
and your baby never lived to the day.

Sometimes getting everything is not everything. Trust His plans and always make doa for the best. Sabr and Solat. Patience and Prayers. And for every reason that is happening to me now, has always been the best for me, for us, for D and I, even when I think it is not good for me like not getting a house for instance. He is the best planner of all plans and He knows best. He may not give what I wanted but He have definitely given me what I needed. I should feel bless. For that, Syukur Alhamdulilah.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

The Social Media

Dear Diary,

So recently, people have been sharing this article around.

Here's why happy couples post less about their relationships on social media

There are probably some staunch reason that I would agree, but...to a certain extent. It is just how some people are introvert and some people being are extrovert. So does one being noisy and bubbly means portraying happiness but deep down they are sad? And one being quiet portray sadness on the outside but deep down they are happy? How do you define that? To each its own. Different people are different. I'm not as hypocritical as that. What you see me, is what you get. I don't hide behind self and pretend like as if I am happy but deep down I'm not. But of course, to a certain extend not to hang my dirty laundry to the whole world like; Facebook. But Twitter - a more private space for me just to let certain things out, to make me feel better. Just like how some people would talk matters to another person. Just that in my case, when my mom is no longer around, I have exactly no one to talk to, and thus, I revert to another form like Twitter or maybe blogger so that I'll at least be sane instead of bottling things inside me.



Posting less, yes of course. Because there are time when you get sick, of some people who keep posting about their relationship every now and then. Trust me, we do right sometimes?  But I hope I still fall into this category of posting less about my relationship compared to some friends who post every single day about their relationship. Because I only post pictures when D and I go out an adventure, special occasion (anniversary, birthdays etc) or when I feel like posting, based on nothing or for no other whatever reason like for example removing my braces recently? 😐

But who cares even if someone do? You may post pictures a lot of your friends, your food etc because probably you have a lot of friends and someone else doesn't. Do we say anything about it?And does posting a lot of pictures of your friends means you're lonely inside?  It just means you're happy with them and you're proud to call them friends. Why is it so double standards that it is okay to post pictures of friends every time but not your other half?

For all you know, this chap over here keep posting pictures of his/her other half, it could be because he/she is her/his ONLY friend. Could you define and judge someone's happiness or sadness just based on social media? Some people are genuine like that, when they are happy, they are just happy. Probably the same thing about me. When I'm happy, I'm happy but when I'm upset with D...I don't even wish to speak his name, talk about him or even see him. HAHAHAHA!  And some people they may post sad quotes, they may not necessarily be going through it, just that they find the quote useful.

Just based on this research, I kinda got upset when D, himself, shared this post on his Facebook wall. I know indirectly that post was for me because D doesn't really approve much on how sometimes I like to upload our pictures on the social media since day 1. Konon he wants to be low profile about our relationship.

Number 1 BUT...there are difference about hiding your relationship and whom you are with VS hiding what happened in your relationship. Based on my thoughts, to hide your relationship and whom you are with, means you're allowing 3rd party to think you're single. You're allowing 3rd party to think you are their potential and they can flirt around with you. Even if you are in relationship, you're allowing 3rd party to think you're actually never quite happy in a relationship. You're allowing 3rd party to intrude into your relationship, when you can avoid all of this totally in the first place. I am not asking someone to air what happened in their relationship, no. Not that way.

Number 2 BUT..it is just MY way of showing gratitude, MY way of showing how much I love someone, MY way of showing appreciation and how proud I am being with someone and I don't mind "showing that person off" to the whole world but not to the certain extend or cheesiness. I don't like a love so mundane, so boring and so routine. Sometimes, to me this keeps the spark of love alive. Don't you like to read at least something nice from your other half once in a while? Well, I do. And people ought to remember that being a Gemini and you should know how a Gemini love goes. We never like anything boring.

And no, I don't seek external validation nor do I seek outside attention from my postings. Just that, people like me, when I'm happy, I am just happy and I tend to show it (but not too much of course).

But well, I have made a promised with D that from now onwards I will no longer upload our pictures anywhere in the social media, to respect what he wants or maybe in another words this is me showing my tantrums? HAHAHA! This is going to get as boring as it is. Oh wellllllll....

Till here bruh.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

Engagement Ring

Dear Diary,

I am quite 'on' about blogging nowadays, so today entry would be about my engagement ring. Lol! Since I have covered mostly about my tray, my baju, my food & my make-up already for the engagement. LOL!

My engagement ring was bought 3 months prior the engagement, reason being a lot of friends told me to get it earlier in case the ring doesn't come in my size or they have to customize to certain things of my likings and it could take up longer days or even months.

I have no idea about rings actually, in fact I know NOTHING about ring, diamonds or gold. I have never been that person about jewelleries. All these while, I use a pretty fake ear stud and a fake anklet, the only thing I wear on me. I don't like necklace (things around my neck) and neither do I like bangle (things around my wrist) but I don't mind ring. So I still remember how difficult it was for me to start of looking for a ring when I am so clueless about everything. Plus yes, never expect the help of the fiancé because he doesn't know anything and he will always give that answer "I anything. Up to you." Lol!

So to be reasonable, I kind of ask D what his budget is like for me and he told me nothing more than 1K. I thought my fiancé was being generous when he told me nothing over 1K as I was looking for a ring that is not even more than 1K, even so much lesser than that. I was looking at diamond stimulant and the heart-shaped ring interest me so much because I have always loved heart-shaped ring.

I did a lot of research, from one website to another, to see what kind of rings I truly like before buying one just to be sure because I can be really fickle about making decision. The settings of the diamond, whether I prefer solitaire rings, the vintage kind, with side stones or not or the clusters kind. I learn and read up so much more about diamonds & rings and I learn they are usually associated with the 4 Cs - Colour, Carat, Clarity and Cut. And from there, I google which of these 4 Cs are of the most important factors of all and many said, the Cut of the ring is the most important. A proper cut or in other words a very ideal cut, means light is able to reflect well and thus, giving you that shine/sparkle you want.

So moving on, as I google more and more about diamond and rings days after days. I realized, I don't want to settle for diamond stimulant anymore because with 1K, I could get a better quality diamond even though not with the shape I wanted, the heart, because only Love&Co carries a very nice heart-shaped diamond ring and apparently my colleague has one for her engagement. So, I wanted something different. I then fall in love with the Princess cut, as the name suggest, Princess. Lol! Initially I didn't quite like it but as I keep looking at it, I think it's pretty. No wonder it's called the Princess. Round shapes are boring and too common I thought.

This time round, I step away from the computer and decided to venture the ring shop to see rings upfront. I had friends to accompany me and on some days, being Eileen, Helen and even my girlfriends to help me look-look, see-see for ring. And some days, I just walk past the shop to take a peep and then walked away. Lol!

I remember the first recce I had with Eileen. I was so firm on my decision for a Princess cut ring, that we headed to the jewellery stretch shop in Orchard Ion during our break time and literally ask the shop one by one for a Princess cut ring. Most of them sadly, DO NOT carry a Princess cut ring. One of the shop, I can't remember if it's Goldheart or Lee Hwa, had one but it wasn't on the ring setting yet, they just sell the diamond itself and it was so tiny. Honestly so tiny that I think my poor fingers is too big for that. I almost gave up on the idea of a Princess cut ring and you know me, when I want something, I really want it. I got slightly frustrated and the next suggestion all the sales assistant kept giving me to browse through was the round shape ring. Haiz! I just wanted something different, something less common, unique.

I then tried to look into heart-shaped ring again since I couldn't get my Princess cut ring. As I was browsing and trying on the heart-shaped ring, the sales assistant from Love&Co shared with me that it is always best to get a round cut diamond (although it's common) because round cut diamond reflects better light and give better brilliance. Due to its round shape, it is able to reflect light in every turns and corner of the ring. Then he mentioned heart-shaped doesn't reflect light that much and neither do Princess cut as the reflection of the light is concentrated only at its four side sharp corners compared to a round shape, its everywhere. LOL! That put me into big and huge thinking, I wanted an uncommon shaped ring yet something that can sparkle but I couldn't have the best of both worlds now. Either sparkles or shaped, which one. So I was somehow disappointed.

And I don't understand why do I always see pictures on the internet..how beautiful Princess cut ring is. Maybe this person just doesn't want to entertain me that much or maybe he thinks I couldn't afford an expensive ring? But I was wrong, when he showed the rings in comparison, next to each other in front of my eyes and moving the ring around in circular motion under the light. LOL! Round shape ring VS Heart Shape VS Princess Cut ring, yes round shape ring reflects better light and show better brilliance. Haizzz! Sadly.

Still feeling disappointed. This is when my most ngada-ngada and most petty bit falls in place. I was walking into the last shop, I think it was Citigem when this sales assistant suggested me a brilliant idea when I told him I wanted to see a Princess cut ring, which apparently they don't carry. So he told me "Why not you get a round shaped ring, the best ring that shines but instead of 6-claws grip, get the 4-claws setting. So it look like a Princess cut ring, somehow." And I was like "WOAH! BRILLIANT! This is such a good idea!" So I could have the best of both worlds now, somehow. I wanted to give him a medal for the suggestion. Haha! And he told me, if I have decided to get the ring, to come back and look for him. From all the disappointment and sadness I had earlier on, I started smiling...Hooray..

But my hooray doesn't last long because real diamonds are expensive and no, they don't cost less than 1K the budget D had already set for me. Hahahaha! And being someone who is so firm in her decision, I wanted side diamonds to accompany my main diamond as well on my ring, the same thing like how my late mom has on her engagement ring and so does my sister. So can you imagine the budget now? LOL!

My late mom's engagement ring.

My sister's.

I wanted something as close to this.

So the 2nd recce I had was with my girlfriends. This time was at the jewellery stretch in Bugis. I spend a good 1 hour, considering quite fast, just walking around shop after shop looking for round shaped diamond with 4 claws. Hahahaha! But again, the budget was like killing me...they were all more than 1K. And after learning about the 4 Cs, I knew I wanted the best of all 4 Cs.  HAHAHA! Aiyahhh, it's once a lifetime seh engagement ring. Might as well, if you want to buy get a proper one right and besides I love wearing ring also, so it won't go to waste. Hehehe!

So I had a talk with D about how roughly the ring could cost, slightly over 1K. And guess what D told me? "Awak, can you not look at the price? Just choose whichever one you like okay? Doesn't matter the price, that one can talk later. Just choose which ring you like." And I was like.. "Ehh, that time you told me the budget is 1K seh" And he was like "Abehhhh..so hard to find ring that is below 1K. Lol! Besides it's once in a lifetime buying you this engagement ring, I don't mind pampering you and getting you an expensive one. Just choose which you want okay?"

WOAH. Shiok or what.

10K? 14K? 1.5 Carat diamond ring?  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

So obviously the next trip I went was with D. Time to buy the ring and I already had in mind what I wanted. We walked around and enter into SooKee first. They asked what kind of ring we were looking for and ask roughly for our budget range and D gave them such a big jump amount from my previous 1K budget. I was so shock, I almost wanted to faint there. If 1K is already generous to me, can you imagine the amount he mouth-out was extremely crazy to me! Crazy! Siao! Sort dot! I wouldn't spend like that. So the sales assistant match D's budget and took out a 1-Carat diamond ring for me. Yah duh obviously!  Me Die Me Die Me Die Me almost died when I put on that 1-carat diamond ring into my finger. So I was like "Oh my God! Too big, I don't want. I scared later people will cut my finger" And they all started laughing.

So the sales assistant slowly went down to a smaller carat when we settle for a 0.5 carat diamond and he introduced us to their 'All-Love' diamond ring collection. Omigod! The sparklessss! Fuhhh! Instead of the usual perfect symmetry of 8 illuminating light, it has symmetry of 10, which explains the so much sparkles that diamond ring has. Haizz! I like it so much (even though I couldn't differentiate the sparkles of 8 and 10 when D could. Hahaha!) BUT...it was just a plain solitaire diamond. Remember I wanted side diamonds? Lol! So we told the sales person that we will come back and just going to walk around first.

This time I went to another shop and look for the boy whom suggested me this whole idea of round diamond with 4 claw settings. Guess what? I end up buying there (to show my appreciation lahhh like that)  but sadly, the boy wasn't working on that day.

The harder part is MAKING DECISION which ring I wanted when I was there. Hahahaha! D told me to choose without looking at the price and so I kinda get to choose whatever ring I wanted. I keep going back and forth looking at all the rings with side diamonds, trust me, I spent 3 freaking long hours in the shop. This is me being very indecisive always. Hahaha! I kept putting on the ring and kept taking them out. Try ring A, try ring B, try ring G, try ring C, try ring A, try ring Z, try ring B, try ring D, try ring E and the list goes on. HAHAHAHA! D almost gave up.

So after 3 effing long hours, I finally settled on my ring. Something unique to the side stones. Now the harder part is when I have to choose the 4 Cs. The cut was an ideal cut, that part settle because most jewellery shop has a standard ideal diamond cut. Now comes the Colour, Clarity and Carat. HAHAHA! Makcik annoying love sparkling diamonds that when I was asked what Clarity and Colour I preferred, I was like I want D colour, VVS1 or F1 Clarity. FUHHH! HAHAHAHA! Macam taitai. Macam faham. HAHAHA! So for that wee bit obviously 1-carat diamond is a goner, not that I wanted 1-carat also. Haha! Imagine wearing it to work, my ring will suffer inside my hand gloves. Plus I was trying to keep to a budget and don't want D to splurge so much for a diamond ring. Yes pamper me also but what can diamond ring do, we can't even do magic out of it like you know at least, Alladdin's lamp can grant you wishes. LOL! So keeping to my budget, as the clarity & colour gets better, your centre diamond piece gets smaller. Sadddddd. For the same price, you can at least settle for a bigger carat centre diamond a wee bit lesser than 1-carat but without side diamonds lah. Nooooooo. So terima aje lah seadanya. I settled for a slightly smaller centre diamond piece but with a better other Cs accompanying it and Alhamdulilah, my side stones. Hehe!

But I'm glad I choose what I chose, because nobody could have guessed the carat of my ring, with the side diamonds, they always thought what they thought it was but it isn't.

And the good thing about this, their shop has the same policy like as if you buy handphone. After 2 years, you can choose to upgrade to a better diamond ring if you want. They will take the full amount of what you have paid now and you can just top up the difference of your upgrade. But why would I want to trade my engagement ring for something better right? My engagement ring is special to me. Not trading it off for something better.

Till here.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

After the Engagement..

Dear Diary,

It has been almost few weeks after my Engagement and Alhamdulilah, everything went well. Somehow...And Syukur Alhamdulilah, I am officially engaged to the love of my life.

I didn't prepare much trays for his side because, I was doing everything on my own and everything felt so rushed. Trust me, it would be easier if Mama was around but I just have got to live with it. I must thank a lot of people who have helped me here and there. And if you follow me on Instagram, you all know who you are actually. I have thanked them personally on Instagram and through text as well. Hehe! May Allah SWT bless all of you people for helping this anak yatim.

And this is the dulang/tray that my friend, Eileen helped me made from scratch. We did using Styrofoam pieces and pieced all of them together, with LOTS of hardwork and for daysssss okay. The grass carpet was from Daiso. I didn't spend much on the dulang because obviously mostly were recycled items. I was supposed to borrow the traditional dulang from a friend but last minute kene paitao and none of my relatives have the dulang. I wanted to rent but one dulang almost cost me about 10 bucks per rental. Imagine having 5 dulang-dulang = $50. No way. That is almost the cost of my engagement baju. And for me, I think buying the traditional metal tray would be space-consuming at home because I'll only be using them twice in a lifetime, (engagement and wedding) and then what do you want me to do with the tray after that?

I was very much pleased with everything when I was told that my dulang look rather kesian. I felt humiliated, I felt sad, I felt stupid, I felt pathetic. Nobody have no idea how much I spent doing this with my friend, thinking about this each time, especially when I had to do everything on my own and then such comment were thrown at me. People might mean well..but sometimes, it is just the way how it is being expressed to me and sometimes I wonder, if such comments were necessary, if you understand someone's plight. But whatever it is, looking at this picture..I am so proud of it. To me, my tray is beautiful, unique and modern. Period.

And this was from the guy's side to me. I felt so paiseh because initially, I didn't expect them to bring more dulang because the way D always told me "My side is going to exchange just the ring and hantaran aje, nothing more. And the rest maybe one or two gubahan from my aunties or relatives gitu. Just my relatives aje, not a lot of people". ONE or TWO. ONE or TWO. Not a lot of people. And I'm not sure how the tradition is but some people said, the girl is supposed to give more dulang to the guy. But looking at this, you could have already guessed who gave more. I almost fainted. But I am not so the traditional kind or the law-by-law kind of person. For as long as it doesn't says in the Qur'an that girls have to give more dulang, I'm not going to let it bother me much. Furthermore, it doesn't even state in the Qur'an that we need to exchange gifts either.

And then another thing that made me panic is when & how the ring was supposed to be put on. I have measured the ring using the finger on my left hand when I was with D and he, himself, never bring up about this issue, about whether it should be placed on the right or left hand's finger. But anyway, of course, my fiancé can never be harap when it comes to this kind of thing. So after the ring was being placed on during the engagement, I was told by some, for Malay traditions, the ring was supposed to be placed on the right hand and not left. Because left hand is tangan cebuk, the hand use for "dirty stuff" and the right hand is more appropriate because it is more "cleaner". That make sense somehow and my heart almost stopped. I thought to myself "Shit! What have I done wrong again this time?" I got scared and I panic but still keeping my calm somehow. So I tried to whisper and asked some people around me on that day, and they told me it doesn't matter where the ring is being placed on.

I couldn't stop thinking, so went to google and I found this,

1) Coming from this source it says:-
It doesn't matter where the ring is being placed, depends on your own liking. But usually engagement ring goes on the left and wedding ring goes on the right.

2) And this source:-

Menurut ulama Hanafi, Maliki, dan Hambali, memakai cincin di tangan kiri itu lebih afdol. Sholih bin Ahmad (putra daripada Imam Ahmad) meriwayatkan pendapat Imam Ahmad bin Hambal, “Memakai cincin di tangan kiri lebih aku sukai” (Masa-il al Imam Ahmad 2/208). Beliau menegaskan bahwa hadis yang memerintahkan untuk memakai cincin di tangan kiri lebih kuat dari sisi sanadnya. Yang beliau maksudkan adalah hadis dari sahabat Anas bin Malik radhiyallahu’anhu,

كان خاتم النبي في هذه، وأشار إلى الخنصير من يده اليسرى

‘Nabi biasa memakai cincin sebelah sini’, beliau mengisyaratkan pada jari kelingking tangannya sebelah kiri” (HR. Muslim no. 2095)

 Guess I am somehow saved this time. Phew!

And I find the cameraman didn't pretty much do a good job although he was nice lahhh. Some old, classic, traditional poses I was made to do that I became a laughing stock to some of my friends.  And then he was so "eager" in taking photos that he kiap my cake and it became lopsided.  So so upset when I saw my engagement cake that way. Furthermore, I customized it specially for D sehhh! Chelsea cake. His favourite football team.
And look at the way how he took picture of the ring being sarung. Can't even see the ring.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry seeing this picture. Maybe both.  

Talking about cake , this part too. Earlier part of the engagement day, when I asked Ayah for help just to send me over to Woodlands to collect my engagement cake and Yishun to collect the food that both my colleagues have ordered for me, it became an issue for him. Haiz! So many things happened in one day. But anyway, here was all the food on that day,

Epok-epok ordered by Anita

 

Marble cake ordered by my Manager

I didn't even get to eat much because I was afraid that my lipstick will wear-off. Haha! My make-up was on point on that day. So happy to see me-self that I don't even wish to remove the make-up. Hehe! My beautiful make-up was done by Trisha and Dania, Anita two beautiful daughters. I have to thank Anita and their two girls so so much for doing this for me. Honestly, I tried asking around for professional make-up artist and some charge up to $300. I mean, I do understand why it's expensive. The make-up they used, the brushes and all etc but it was over my budget. $200 being the cheapest by far but I really have to budget myself. I can do so much with $200. And to have my face "painted" for just a small & short one day event and then to remove it. It's like as if I'm throwing my $200 away down the drain. It's different if it's wedding you see. I was to the extent of being chinchai that I wanted to just do my own make-up, just anyhow je lah as long as I put some "colours" to my face. Lol! When Anita told me her daughters could do it for me without having me to pay them. But of course, I did give them a small amount of angpao, I wanted to give more but I'm afraid that my $ get "rejected". But they did an extremely great job, both of them literally work together to come up with my final look that even everyone told me that I look pretty on that day. (Oh so does D's aunt too, who mentioned again the week after our engagement when I saw her at her daughter's wedding. Hehehehe!) And for the first time I had a full pledge make-up on. Cehhh! Hahaha! I was just so happy seeing me-self the whole day. The contouring they did, the highlighting, the fake eyelash *bats eyelash* that even myself have no idea how to do it. Haizzz! To add on, some even charge an additional $80 for hairdo but the girls was so sincere, so ikhlas, so nice in helping me that they did my hairdo too for me including putting on the veil. I am truly blessed! But of course, this wouldn't be possible...the me-self being pretty without Anita and her two beautiful girls; with great talents. And come to think of it, I must be not pretty or mist be ugly ehhh on normal days without make-up. How come nobody praise me on normal days one???? Lol!

All in all, everything went okay. I mean I didn't expect things to go all perfect. I was expecting things like this to happen, some set-backs and etc etc etc. But what most importantly, it's over and now, we are officially fiancé and fiancée. Syukur Alhamdulilah!

Many thanks to those who have make doa for us. Many thanks to those who keep telling us to always always always have patience for one another till the big day. Hehe! Yeahs, so many things happened since we are engaged, literally.  I can literally too, roll my eyes 1000 times.

So, till the big day, Insyaallah!

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥