BTO

Dear Diary,

I am so happy for my friends and when I see some of them are collecting the keys to their home and some of them are going for their HDB appointment booking their flat already. And it's literally one by one of my friends, and then, there's D and I, who have applied for almost numerous times and we still haven't got any. Screw you big time HDB!

No, I am not jealous, don't get me wrong. I am sincerely truly happy for all of my friends. Just that I do wonder when are we getting ours? Haiz! Because of this, it got me so upset and then I started thinking nonsense. Like maybe, D and I are not meant to be together or what, that's why we haven't gotten any, when we urgently and obviously needed a house. Then I thought again, maybe I did mention to myself before we apply for house. If D and I are meant to be together, we will get a house, or else it may not. And it saddens me more than anything else, even after so many attempts. Haiz!

"I am so sad, a lot of my friends applied house after me and they already got the keys to their home and some going for their appointment to book a flat already. Look at me, I got nothing."

And my friend's answer strike me, "Azie..at least you're getting married. Look at me, Haizzz! I am not even getting married yet. Not even near."

That.....people....was seriously a big smack right on my face. I remember how I was at that position one time before. How I always wanted a Halal relationship and I wanted to get married. How I wish there was a man who was willing to accept me, marry me, love me and take care of me. I no longer wanted to involve myself in a relationship full of fake fantasies and not ending in marriage. All I wanted was a Halal relationship with someone, not about monetary value and not even a house was at the back of my mind. And then Alhamdulilah, along came D and look where we are now, exactly what I've prayed for.

Subhanallah. I thought to myself. What have I ever felt bless about? I wanted A and He bless me with A. And then without thanking Him for A that He has already blessed me with, I started complaining about B. How ungrateful was I?!

Plus I have exactly no rights to determine the failure of my HDB results means a failure relationship, because nothing as such determines anything in life. For everything that happens it is Him who decides, His Qada' and Qadr'. And probably, He is testing my patience. I don't know what I have become, allowing sadness to overcome me in such ways. Subhanallah! Subhanallah!

And this from SafinahSg touches me,

You got engaged.
You planned for your future house,
you wished for 3 kids,
you booked your BTO
but then he/she decided to leave,
and the wedding never happened.

 

You got married.
Things were going so well,
you received news that you are becoming a parent,
you bought baby shoes, baby clothes and even a crib,
but then the ultrasound decided to stay silent,
there wasn't any heartbeat,
and your baby never lived to the day.

Sometimes getting everything is not everything. Trust His plans and always make doa for the best. Sabr and Solat. Patience and Prayers. And for every reason that is happening to me now, has always been the best for me, for us, for D and I, even when I think it is not good for me like not getting a house for instance. He is the best planner of all plans and He knows best. He may not give what I wanted but He have definitely given me what I needed. I should feel bless. For that, Syukur Alhamdulilah.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥