Kifarah.

Dear Diary,

My late grandmother has always preach this phrase into her kids and so Mama did the same thing to us, to me.

"Biar orang buat kita jangan kita buat orang."

I am the kind of person who doesn't really understand much when older people try to tell me stuff but I always know somehow there are reason and consequences behind it when people tell you things like that. I am the kind who is always afraid of consequences.

One example would be education. How my parents always forced us to study hard and beat us into studying, so that we don't regret it in the near future. I hate studying and I wish I don't even have to go to school, I never understand why is school that important BUT...fearing consequences, I'd study and in the end when I finish Polytechnic and my Degree, I finally understood why. To get good jobs etc.

Another example would be people always tell me to always never hurt your parents' feelings because one day your children will do the same thing to you. I don't have children yet but I'm afraid of such consequences ever happening to me, so I don't wish to do things like that to my parents and I try my best to please them whatever ways I can.

Some people learn the hard way, like they have to go through hardship and then they change. Example failing in life and pick themselves up to be successful etc. Whereas I'm the kind who'd rather listen and stay on the safer side.

At the age I am now, I've learnt and see many things in life. Things that are true about the many things my parents & late grandmother have said. My parents may not be all religious but they have always gave me words of advice and cultivate me with Islamic teachings too and also from experience to shape me into a better person I am today. And for that, I am always thankful.

We've seen how religious parents can sometimes even fail to bring up their children to at least be-human. So sometimes, it does pisses me off when people who are religious think they are better humans then people who are less religious. We have even see people who never don on the hijab are actually better human beings than people who actually don on the hijab. Some who don't don on the hijab but always take their 5 times a day prayers seriously, while some who don, doesn't really much care about it. So who are we to judge? People always use remarks such as 'Don't use my hijab to criticize my character as I'm only human, I make mistake and I'm still learning His ways.' So it makes sense too, that you do not criticize people who do not don on the hijab and who are still learning as well. But to me, I bet to differ this sentence.

I know I'm going to create a lot of speculations with what I'm going to say now. But to me, when someone have already don on the hijab, means you're ready. Ready to be a better version of yourself. Yes, it does not mean you cannot make mistake, we can because we're only human. But at least, a better version of yourself. You do not criticize others, you don't look down on others and please try to avoid major sins as much as possible, you are an example to people out there.

My late mom always tell me, wearing a hijab symbolize many nice things. I remember once I wanted to don the hijab at a young age and Mama told me, "If you are going to laugh outside like a crazy woman with your friends and don't know how to behave yourself in public, then better not spoil the image of people wearing a hijab." Because people who wear hijab do not portray that kind of behaviour, it's embarrassing.

You've seen how many of our non-muslim asked us this question before?

"How come I see this tudung girl wear tudung but go clubbing?"

"How come I see this tudung girl wear tudung but drink?"

etc etc etc.

And does it stun you for a moment? Because to me, a person who wears the hijab should always try as much as possible to be a better version of themselves, not to the extend of looking down on others. It's different when people tell you, "Last time my friend used to have tattoo/drink/club but now she doesn't anymore, she has put on the tudung." Which we rarely hear.

I'm not going to give a hook to people who are going to criticize about my dressing, because if you do, it doesn't reflect me as a person, but you as a person who criticize.

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And I just want to touch on how important it is to be nice to people, or at least try to be nice to people. This bring us back to what my heirloom 'line' is.

Never think what you've done bad to people, you can escape them. Yes, you may be rejoicing at that moment, thinking you can escape from everything at that point of time, but in the future, you'll never know what has been in store for you. Because Allah SWT always sees. Remember, the person who is suffering and dianiaya always have the upper hand. Their prayers are always well heard and well listen by the Almighty, by Allah SWT.

So you can choose to "destroy" someone life now but remember, at the end of the day, it's not me who you are dealing with. I can choose to take revenge but I've long let go of that side of Azie and I'm not like that anymore. I'll continue being nice for as long as I can be patience with, for as long as I live and I leave the rest to Allah SWT to take care of everything.

Kifarah.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥