Since the internet at work has filter installed, so the website that I usually frequent to watch my online movies during lunch time was blocked, thus I have nothing to watch currently. So a friend, recommended me interesting Malay dramas to watch from Youtube basically and some other websites. He recommended me a long list of Malay dramas but the first on the list was 'Rumi & Jawi'. Besides some of the drama are latest drama and I usually like to watch a show that has already ended because I don't like the waiting game for the next episode. Impatience? Yes.
Short attention span? Yes. The first few episode was okay-okay to me but I find the first few episodes quite draggy, but there are many laughing-haha scene in the drama though. When it reaches episode 9-14, it was even more draggy and I couldn't stand Fathia Latiff as 'Jawi' in those episodes. She was so annoying, so childish, so unreasonable, so stubborn, so selfish and she always want to win, that I feel like I want to smack her right in the face. And yet, Remy Ishak as 'Rumi' was so patient as ever. I remember even fast-forwarding during some of those few episodes because I hate the way how Jawi was treating Rumi. And all I could think of, how can one be that annoying and the one as patient as ever? Drama. Fantasies. Fake. Doesn't exist! Poyo!!! (Like how many times this word kept being mention in the drama that I decided to look out the meaning for it.)
Poyo (definition):-
A Malay slang, used by teenagers and some 'young' adults. Offensive, when used intentionally and can lead to quarrels+fights if used for insulting purposes.
1. A liar, or faker.
While I was watching that drama, D and I had a slight tiff regarding Sunday. Well, of course it is always me who decided to spark the fire first. He invited me over for a family occasion but I kinda felt uncomfortable and out of place about it and I told him I do not want to attend as I feel like I'm just an outsider. I know it's wrong to be saying all these. His family is going to be my family soon, which also means I am also marrying his family as well. And knowing this, my dad will definitely get mad at me if I do not go because D has always made effort to attend my family's occasion whenever. But I just have to say this, I do not hold grudges and I do not hate. But I hold on to pain. Yes, I reminisce on hurt and I dwell on sadness. I still remember how hurtful I felt during his brother's wedding 2 years ago, when I was chuck aside not knowing anyone there. It was my first time meeting his relatives. I may be loud, bubbly and look like I am not shy or I can get along well with everyone but the fact is I am not. I am never good when it comes to meeting people for the first time. I'm shy and I will be quiet and I just don't open up to people easily.
But that day? I had look from afar, overlooking how happy their family were while they all took pictures together and I stand like a pole at the side not knowing anybody. And the worse thing and most embarrassing thing, I was wearing BLUE exactly the same colour like their family but I don't belong to their family and nobody knows who the heck was I. Everyone kept staring, kept looking. Only a few friendly ones whom I remember, made conversation with me. His cousin, Nursyah and I can't remember the other person name was. I was even eating alone at one point of time because he had to take picture again. And then I was chucked again when he was entertaining his colleagues while I stand in the corner and he continued talking to his friends, ignoring me until one of his friends, OFFERED me a seat to sit down. It wasn't even him who offered me to sit down. I even stayed at his brother's event long enough, but countless times he asked me what time I want to go home as if he don't want my presence there.
Did you see me doing that to him during my sister's wedding? No I did not! I accompanied him throughout while he ate, I even eat together with him because I don't want him to feel awkward/left out. I brought him around, introduce him to my close relatives/cousins and some even of my relatives step forward asking me to introduce him to them. Yes, we took one family shot without him since it's understood that we are not married yet BUT...Mama invited him to take picture with us during the second shot. MY MOM ASKED FOR HIM! She never make him stand like a pole at the corner. And that was the ONLY family picture we have of us. And guess what? He decided to leave half-way and not attend the next day event even when I asked him to.
I have never been invited for any family occasion ever since despite knowing of my existence yet my family continuously have him over like a family. GOD. Tell me, how can I not be this hurt? š¢ š¢
That's when I promised myself........----
And then, I realized one thing about me, I reflect very much like 'Jawi' in the drama. Even Rumi in the drama said,
Rumi: Siapa kahwin dengan perempuan macam Jawi ni, dah lah kasar, garang, macam dia semua aje yang betul. Kalau kahwin dengan perempuan macam ni, bukan isteri yang dengar cakap suami, nanti suami yang kene dengar cakap isteri. Eh, boleh kene penyakit, sakit jantung dengan stroke.
Hahaha!
How much I dislike her in the drama is as the same as not liking myself, no? I am stubborn to a point when I made up my mind about something, a no means a no. So, when D tried to talk to me nicely into going, I get annoyed, like a child, I'll started throwing tantrums because things doesn't go my way and I always want to win. At times, I can be very selfish thinking about myself but not the people around me, what happens if I do this or that. I can just picture Mama telling me off for behaving such a way.
I am not proud of saying all these about myself and for being like this at times, but this who I am. And I am slowly trying to change, although a couple of times I failed. The only person who I thought who knew how to deal with me is my mom. But I was not quite right...
I've always thought D will reprehend me for saying such things but he has never. In fact, he will always continue talking nicely to me, asking me to calm down and to think it through. He even said he won't force me into going and let me make my own decision, whatever that I'm comfortable with. And with that, it always manage to soften my heart. I remember years ago when I wanted to quit polytechnic because I was so stress with the life there. Ayah was literally scolding me upside down and the more I was determined to quit school but Mama was giving me the "permission" to quit. It was just a reverse psychology that she used on me, to "win" me. I felt so sorry for Mama and guess what? It worked! I didn't quit school after that and I even graduated. Lol!
My dearest fiancƩ,
I know you won't be reading this, but just that I expressed better when I'm writing. All I want to say is thank you. Thank you for always being patient with me and having patience for me, no matter how difficult or how "unreasonable" I can be. Thank you for always tolerating my worse moments, my little kid-self, when I start throwing my tantrums around or when I decided to stomp my feet away. Thank you for always mellowing me down, calming me down when I'm being angry, stubborn and hot-headed. Thank you for always talking to me nicely even though I will answer you back at every little thing you said. I know those 'upset' moments I mentioned was years ago and you are never like that now, not even close to that now. Thus the reason why you always keep telling me to learn from the past and continue moving forward, which I will try as much as to from now onwards. I fail to realised sometimes how bless I am to have you by my side. Thank you for always fighting for us. And I hope you don't kene stroke all lah when you marry me.
Please continue having patience for me okay. I too, will change. Insyaallah. Amin!A: I'm only capable of love, other than that I am nothing.
D: But u're my everything.
A: I just want to apologize. I didn't mean to behave that way. But ever since my mom is no longer around. I feel like no one loves me, no is going to protect me when I get hurt. I tend to feel guarded about my feelings all the time.
D: I am going to protect u, from here on out.
Time checked: 0142 hours.
Syukur Alhamdulilah. Thank you Allah SWT for a love like this.
Ya Allah, please keep him happy and bless him with abundance of Your blessing in every thing he does. Ya Allah, keep him close to You in every step that he takes and keep him safe under Your care, Ya Allah. Lift his burden away if he has any and when he feel upset, calm his heart and ease his journey, Ya Allah. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.
XOXO,
Princess Azie Anni ♥
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