Guide me Ya Rabb.

Dear Diary,

I have been praying for this day & night. I always cry in my prayers making doa and just everything for this moment to happen. Particularly I ask Allah SWT and for this day to come. And when it finally did, something else happened.

When I'm sad and down, everyone else seems to be happy. And now that I feel happy, everyone else seems not to. I know the decision I make sometimes can be reckless or it seems like nothing good seems to come out of it. But...I make decision based on my heart and what I feel. They always say follow your heart because your heart is right. Which also means 95% of the time, I use nothing of my brain. Honestly, the reason why I can be quite gong gong.

I can't blame anyone but myself. Me and my mouth.

If I hadn't spill the beans or if I haven't said anything too much. There wouldn't be so much hatred. But what am I supposed to do now? I am so confused. I know not many people would like the idea. In fact, many will HATE it so much. People will call me crazy, people will start cursing and say bad things about me after this for sure.

But no one will understand me too. No one knows what I had to go through. They think everything is okay, they think nothing of what I have to go through, they think it was easy. But Allah SWT knows. Allah SWT knows how painful it was for me. It wasn't easy. I couldn't go to sleep at night peacefully because I was terribly haunted. I have to listen to surah after surah just to sleep in peace at night. And for the first time after so long, I finally get to sleep soundly. And why can't people see this? Why can't people understand?!

I know they want me to see me happy and I know they don't want me to be hurt again. But do they know that I have been in so much hurt? And if this is happiness for me. Why can't some people just be like some other people? Pray the best for me instead of wishing the worse for me.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm really blind. Maybe I'm a fool or just plain stupid. Maybe stubborn. Maybe once wasn't enough. Maybe I deserve the worse. Just whatever.

But only Allah SWT knows. The situation that I am in, make me crazy and blind. Make me stupid and make me stubborn like this.

As much as nothing is certain in this world, I wouldn't want to speak too soon of anything. I wouldn't side myself for the decision that I'm making. Because even I am uncertain myself, of what will happen in the future. Right now, all I can say, I need time. I need time to think, I need time for things to get back right on track, hopefully. I need time to stand on my own two feet from where I have left from. I need time to figure out stuff here and there. Time. Give me time. Insyaallah, time will tell.

Ya Allah, please guide me through this difficult and confuse times. Please show me Your guidance. I will be so lost without You. From every little tiny steps that I take from now onwards. Make every tiny bit of my steps count, a closer to You each time. No matter what I do, whatever decision I make, every little risk and reckless choice I take. Always, always, always, bring me back close to You, closer to You each time. There is no one other that I would seek help and ask for help if it's not You. Ya Allah, You know best. Every little hurdle I have to go through. Every little pain I feel. Every sacrifice I had to make. Every walk of past and future in my life. Please do not put me into the same situation that I was placed in before. Please do not make me another disappointment to my loved ones and the people around me. Make me stronger, Ya Allah. Make my life to a good use, for a good cause in this dunia & akhirah and also for Your sake, Ya Allah. Amin.

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Dear Diary,

Love can be quite a complicated thing ey?

One moment it feels like that was something that I really wanted so so bad and when I got hold of it. The next moment, it just feels like I didn't want it anymore. So, I dropped the bomb. It's like you want it yet you don't want it. It's...just...complicated.

So the next option besides want and don't want was...sacrifice. Yes. We sacrifice certain things even though sometimes we don't even know what we're doing. Sacrifice for the sake of ourselves and for the sake of someone else.

And like 'The Fault in Our Stars' quoted,

Love is keeping the promise anyway.

And as confusing as it can be, as complicated it is, as how intoxicated happily you are by love... At the end of the day, we all know, only love can hurt twice as much.

Only love can hurt like this,

"Only Love Can Hurt Like This"

I tell myself you don't mean a thing,
 And what we got, got no hold on me
 But when you're not there I just crumble

 I tell myself I don't care that much,
 But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch,

 Only love, only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this
 Must have been a deadly kiss
 Only love can hurt like this

 

 Say I wouldn't care if you walked away,
 But every time you're there I'm begging you to stay,
 When you come close I just tremble

 And every time, every time you go,
 It's like a knife that cuts right through my soul

 Only love, only love can hurt like this

 Only love can hurt like this,
 Must have been a deadly kiss,
 Only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this

 Your kisses burn into my skin,
 Only love can hurt like this

 But it's the sweetest pain,
 Burning hot through my veins,
 Love is torture makes me more sure

 Only love can hurt like this

 

 Only love can hurt like this,
 Only love can hurt like this,
 Must have been a deadly kiss,

 Only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this,
 Your kisses burn into my skin,

 Only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this,

 Save me, save me,
 Only love, only love,
 'Cause only love can hurt like this
 And it must have been a deadly kiss

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Wake Up Call

Dear Diary,

Not many people are given the 2nd chance or the 2nd opportunity of/over something. Or maybe even if we do so, some might throw those chances away not realizing anything, while some choose to cherish and treat it as a 'wake up call'.

Honestly speaking, I am not the kind who has really ever experience into this '2nd chance' opportunity my whole entire life. I was never. Not until I say recently or maybe now at this very moment.

I look back.

I have never really fail school that bad, never a school drop out and my grades have always been good, satisfactory and sometimes excellent. I don't go through the hurdles and pain of being jobless, not for a very long time, that I managed to secure a job. I was having problem financially, but it was still Alhamdulilah for my family and I that we are still able to survive and live happily. I'll make sure I treasure every single person in life so that I don't feel any sense of regret if one day I were to leave this world.

I am not beautiful neither am I superbly pretty but just being me. I know I was somehow average. I know I am capable of many things. I can cook. I can bake. I can do things that even guys can do. I can fix that things that are broken. I prayed and I read the Qur'an.

Basically, my life was...I would say...contented.

I was very contented with everything that I have and what I can do. Much contented that I didn't even realised I was become proud. So proud about everything that once in a while, as much as I know it's wrong, I end up JUDGING people WITHOUT realizing. I set criteria on people.

As embarrassed I am to say this but this is just something that I would love to share.

....

One day, something happened. Something bad happened. It was then when things took a different route.

Like how I never felt like a failure my entire life, it was also the first time that I actually have never felt this worse my entire life too. It was a grief moment for me. More of a great wake up call I would say.

It took me so long to realise but everything happens for a reason. It's either for a good cause or a lesson in life. And I know Allah SWT loves me a lot. He loves me that He chose this path for me to realize what I have done wrong, what I have think wrong all these while.

Yes, we can feel contented with what Allah SWT has given us, bless us with. That is what He wants us to feel. Contented. Syukur with all His nikmat, with all His blessings. But there is a different between feeling syukur and contented compared to feeling proud. I didn't realised I was getting there. And sometimes, without realizing some people are actually feeling proud than being syukur.

Feeling syukur is just you and Him alone. Feeling proud is letting the whole world knows. And that was what I was doing. Letting the whole world knows, at times.

And you know, it's never good judging other people. Sometimes, at the bottom of our hearts we know, it's not good to judge someone and we try not to. We know it. But without realizing, we sometimes tend to judge people especially, given a situation let say. Someone who has a Degree and with someone who doesn't have. Judging people from their job, their pay, their attitude, their life. Who are we to judge? We are NOTHING.

I don't judge people, I am not that person. I do NOT judge people based on their work, degree, pay, attitude or whatsoever. But there was something that I was proud about, very much proud of. Something that some people may have, some people may not. And when they don't, I feel like we are of two different "world", "category" or "criteria" even though we are still friends. Other people don't usually judge on this but I did. 

And just one day, God took that away from me. He took that away from me and made me feel like I was one of them too. I never feel like I would lost something like this the way I did, BUT I did. No words could describe how I felt at that point of time. Probably it was also how those people felt too. But I fail to realise before because I was busy judging thinking it would not happened to me.

It took me so long to recover and until now, I wouldn't say I have recover fully from it. I'm still hurt. As hurt as it is. As hurt as ever. Deeply down-reaching hurt. There is nothing anybody can do to remove this scar, the wound and hurt I feel. Basically just no one. Nobody understand, only Him.

But Alhamdulilah. I feel slightly better now. Allah SWT have given me a 2nd opportunity now. Insyaallah, I will try as much as possible to make things right. I will not repeat the things I've done wrong and I will continue as much as possible to work on myself to be closer to Him than before. Insyaallah.

It may not be as easy because I do fail at times. But I guess for as long as you always keep Him close to your heart and mind. Insyaallah, it will get easier.

Today, will be the day, the day to start all over again with Him closer to my heart & mind this time. Insyaallah. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Choices

Dear Diary,

I don't have any choice left do I? I'm torn between two. I don't know what else to do. There's a choice I could choose from to my own benefit, to my own liking, a choice I really really wanted so bad. I cannot wait. I keep, you leave.

But either decision I take, either decision I make, I'll break hearts.

So I had to follow suit. Why am I ALWAYS saving people? When they don't even spare a thought about me in the first place. When they weren't the one saving me in the first place.

I don't know what the future might hold.

And promises can be broken sometimes. Along the way things might/can change. We promise one thing, we do another thing. We all know that. These things can happen, only God knows. And if happened, that those promises are broken, I'll be back to square one, I'll be at my loosing wits.

I have another choice probably after that. Not really a nice one. A bad choice I would say. A choice to BURST and EXPLODE. This will be vindicative. And this will hurt many many many hearts.

But honestly, at this point of time. If anybody were in my position.

Do I really need to care? Do I really need to care about hearts being broken? Don't you think it's time that I start thinking for myself and not what other people think? Don't you think it's time I decide on what I want for myself and not what other people want? Don't you think that I suffered enough that I should step up to what I actually want? Don't you think I should be selfish now since that is what everyone around me is doing...doing to me? Enough may be enough.

To what the world portray. It teaches me so much. So it is, my decision has been made.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Guard my heart.

Dear Diary,

This week has been slightly hectic for me. Mama was feeling pretty unwell on Sunday, complaining of shortness of breath. So I took urgent leave and brought her to the hospital. The A&E waiting hours was goshhh, taking us forever. So, I basically stayed the whole day there before Mama actually got her ward. Some even had to wait for 12 hours before they actually got a ward for themselves. Tskk! But I was glad to be of help in the A&E, since the number of manpower of nurses was short. So, I helped to do easy teeny stuff like bringing the patient to the toilet and helping them with their slippers as well as bringing down the side-grill of the bed. I wanted to become a nurse before actually but the cut-off-point stopped me. I decided to do Biomedical Science instead.

---

I gained weight initially.

But now I haven't been having the appetite to eat lately. I was supposed to lose weight for Adik's upcoming wedding because one of the baju that I was supposed to fit during her solemnization ceremony was tight now.  But apparently at the rate of how I'm trying to lose weight, this is worse than having to lose weight, because I don't wish to eat at all. Not at all. I don't even feel hungry. All I want to do is just cry, cry, cry and cry.

But who cares if I were to eat or not.

Neither am I able to sleep at night. Tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. I feel scared every single day and I have no freaking idea what am I afraid of. For sure, I wasn't afraid of Ghost and spirit or whatsoever. I keep having nightmares in my dream and waking up in the middle of the night.

Honestly, I don't know what has become of me. I have been this lifeless and pretending to be happy for the past 4 months of my life.

Everyone have been asking where is the bubbly side of me, the cheerful girl who carve smiles on people faces and gave free-load laughter.

But there's nothing left to me now. Nothing left to my life. I guess I am not that girl anymore now.

Every day I pray...

Just take me away, God. Take me away.  I know He won't test me something that is beyond my capability but I guess this is something I cannot do it anymore. People struggle hoping to live another day, while I struggle not wanting to do this anymore.

So tell me, what am I now?

Maybe. Maybe I was just afraid to be left, to be abandoned. But how afraid can I be now? Haven't I been abandoned so badly already?! So? What else am I afraid of now? Maybe this is what I've been doing. I've been holding on. I wasn't prepared to fully let go. I just cannot let go. I had my hand gripped so hard onto what is before. Just like how little kids who hold on tight to their parents, not wanting to let go because they are afraid. The world out there is far way to scary for me than I could ever imagine. I don't want to let go. I am not prepared. Give me time. Give me some more time. If I could turn back time. But no, I don't want to move forward.

Just... Just protect me. Guard my heart.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Yellow

Dear Diary,

Comes March and I still find myself stuck in the history of you & I. Why? Why I asked myself. I used to handle separation quite well. But how come not this time? Maybe because this separation it's a bit unusual.

Why am I so attached to this whole idea of you and I? Why do I want this so much? Why do I still love you so much? What is so great about you? You are just another Allah's SWT creation like any other. Another creation that is not perfect, who makes mistakes like any other human being on earth. But why do my heart still resides in you?

I should feel Allah SWT is greater for creating you, in fact the greatest because He is perfect. He doesn't make mistakes and above all, He is the creator of all creation.

Shouldn't I feel attach to Him more than you and not feel hurt at all? Shouldn't I feel at ease for what He has already written and plan for me, lay out everything for me?

This attachment I have for you is hurting me. It's breaking me apart every single day. It's doing me more harm than good. It's drowning me down than lifting me up. I find it hard to get on with my life. I tried. I honestly tried. But... I just can't.

I know there are many people out there who is so so so so nice. And may Allah SWT bless all of you for always trying to make me smile, happy and trying so much to make me move on. But I always believe to move on in life, it has to start from me. From myself.

But I have not been doing anything to help myself. I tried and I stumbled again. I thought I did and I fall again. I get up thinking I'm fine and as I walk, I tripped and here I am again. Back to square one. Just how could I.

Ya Allah, I have never stopped praying and making doa. Nobody would understand what I have to go through besides You. Nobody would understand why am I feeling this way, besides You. No one would understand anything or even everything, besides You. For once, make me feel at ease. Make me feel okay.

I just need that. I badly need that. Just to feel 'fine' for once. Feel 'okay' like it used to be.

---

Look at the stars
 Look how they shine for you
 And everything you do
 Yeah they were all yellow

I came along
 I wrote a song for you
 And all the things you do
 And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
 Oh what a thing to have done
 And it was all yellow

Your skin
 Oh yeah your skin and bones
 Turn into something beautiful
 You know you know I love you so
 You know I love you so

I swam across
 I jumped across for you
 Oh what a thing to do

Cause you were all yellow
 I drew a line
 I drew a line for you
 Oh what a thing to do
 And it was all yellow

Your skin
 Oh yeah your skin and bones
 Turn into something beautiful
 And you know
 For you I'd bleed myself dry
 For you I'd bleed myself dry

It's true
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine for
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine

Look at the stars
 Look how they shine for you
 And all the things that you do

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#Prayinghard