This week has been slightly hectic for me. Mama was feeling pretty unwell on Sunday, complaining of shortness of breath. So I took urgent leave and brought her to the hospital. The A&E waiting hours was goshhh, taking us forever. So, I basically stayed the whole day there before Mama actually got her ward. Some even had to wait for 12 hours before they actually got a ward for themselves. Tskk! But I was glad to be of help in the A&E, since the number of manpower of nurses was short. So, I helped to do easy teeny stuff like bringing the patient to the toilet and helping them with their slippers as well as bringing down the side-grill of the bed. I wanted to become a nurse before actually but the cut-off-point stopped me. I decided to do Biomedical Science instead.
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I gained weight initially.
But now I haven't been having the appetite to eat lately. I was supposed to lose weight for Adik's upcoming wedding because one of the baju that I was supposed to fit during her solemnization ceremony was tight now.
But apparently at the rate of how I'm trying to lose weight, this is worse than having to lose weight, because I don't wish to eat at all. Not at all. I don't even feel hungry. All I want to do is just cry, cry, cry and cry.
But who cares if I were to eat or not.
Neither am I able to sleep at night. Tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. I feel scared every single day and I have no freaking idea what am I afraid of. For sure, I wasn't afraid of Ghost and spirit or whatsoever. I keep having nightmares in my dream and waking up in the middle of the night.
Honestly, I don't know what has become of me. I have been this lifeless and pretending to be happy for the past 4 months of my life.
Everyone have been asking where is the bubbly side of me, the cheerful girl who carve smiles on people faces and gave free-load laughter.
But there's nothing left to me now. Nothing left to my life. I guess I am not that girl anymore now.
Every day I pray...
Just take me away, God. Take me away.
I know He won't test me something that is beyond my capability but I guess this is something I cannot do it anymore. People struggle hoping to live another day, while I struggle not wanting to do this anymore.
So tell me, what am I now?
Maybe. Maybe I was just afraid to be left, to be abandoned. But how afraid can I be now? Haven't I been abandoned so badly already?! So? What else am I afraid of now? Maybe this is what I've been doing. I've been holding on. I wasn't prepared to fully let go. I just cannot let go. I had my hand gripped so hard onto what is before. Just like how little kids who hold on tight to their parents, not wanting to let go because they are afraid. The world out there is far way to scary for me than I could ever imagine. I don't want to let go. I am not prepared. Give me time. Give me some more time. If I could turn back time. But no, I don't want to move forward.
Just... Just protect me. Guard my heart.
---
I gained weight initially.
But now I haven't been having the appetite to eat lately. I was supposed to lose weight for Adik's upcoming wedding because one of the baju that I was supposed to fit during her solemnization ceremony was tight now.
But apparently at the rate of how I'm trying to lose weight, this is worse than having to lose weight, because I don't wish to eat at all. Not at all. I don't even feel hungry. All I want to do is just cry, cry, cry and cry.But who cares if I were to eat or not.
Neither am I able to sleep at night. Tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. I feel scared every single day and I have no freaking idea what am I afraid of. For sure, I wasn't afraid of Ghost and spirit or whatsoever. I keep having nightmares in my dream and waking up in the middle of the night.
Honestly, I don't know what has become of me. I have been this lifeless and pretending to be happy for the past 4 months of my life.
Everyone have been asking where is the bubbly side of me, the cheerful girl who carve smiles on people faces and gave free-load laughter.
But there's nothing left to me now. Nothing left to my life. I guess I am not that girl anymore now.
Every day I pray...
Just take me away, God. Take me away.
I know He won't test me something that is beyond my capability but I guess this is something I cannot do it anymore. People struggle hoping to live another day, while I struggle not wanting to do this anymore.So tell me, what am I now?
Maybe. Maybe I was just afraid to be left, to be abandoned. But how afraid can I be now? Haven't I been abandoned so badly already?! So? What else am I afraid of now? Maybe this is what I've been doing. I've been holding on. I wasn't prepared to fully let go. I just cannot let go. I had my hand gripped so hard onto what is before. Just like how little kids who hold on tight to their parents, not wanting to let go because they are afraid. The world out there is far way to scary for me than I could ever imagine. I don't want to let go. I am not prepared. Give me time. Give me some more time. If I could turn back time. But no, I don't want to move forward.
Just... Just protect me. Guard my heart.
XOXO,
Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie
#PrayforAzie
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