Wake Up Call

Dear Diary,

Not many people are given the 2nd chance or the 2nd opportunity of/over something. Or maybe even if we do so, some might throw those chances away not realizing anything, while some choose to cherish and treat it as a 'wake up call'.

Honestly speaking, I am not the kind who has really ever experience into this '2nd chance' opportunity my whole entire life. I was never. Not until I say recently or maybe now at this very moment.

I look back.

I have never really fail school that bad, never a school drop out and my grades have always been good, satisfactory and sometimes excellent. I don't go through the hurdles and pain of being jobless, not for a very long time, that I managed to secure a job. I was having problem financially, but it was still Alhamdulilah for my family and I that we are still able to survive and live happily. I'll make sure I treasure every single person in life so that I don't feel any sense of regret if one day I were to leave this world.

I am not beautiful neither am I superbly pretty but just being me. I know I was somehow average. I know I am capable of many things. I can cook. I can bake. I can do things that even guys can do. I can fix that things that are broken. I prayed and I read the Qur'an.

Basically, my life was...I would say...contented.

I was very contented with everything that I have and what I can do. Much contented that I didn't even realised I was become proud. So proud about everything that once in a while, as much as I know it's wrong, I end up JUDGING people WITHOUT realizing. I set criteria on people.

As embarrassed I am to say this but this is just something that I would love to share.

....

One day, something happened. Something bad happened. It was then when things took a different route.

Like how I never felt like a failure my entire life, it was also the first time that I actually have never felt this worse my entire life too. It was a grief moment for me. More of a great wake up call I would say.

It took me so long to realise but everything happens for a reason. It's either for a good cause or a lesson in life. And I know Allah SWT loves me a lot. He loves me that He chose this path for me to realize what I have done wrong, what I have think wrong all these while.

Yes, we can feel contented with what Allah SWT has given us, bless us with. That is what He wants us to feel. Contented. Syukur with all His nikmat, with all His blessings. But there is a different between feeling syukur and contented compared to feeling proud. I didn't realised I was getting there. And sometimes, without realizing some people are actually feeling proud than being syukur.

Feeling syukur is just you and Him alone. Feeling proud is letting the whole world knows. And that was what I was doing. Letting the whole world knows, at times.

And you know, it's never good judging other people. Sometimes, at the bottom of our hearts we know, it's not good to judge someone and we try not to. We know it. But without realizing, we sometimes tend to judge people especially, given a situation let say. Someone who has a Degree and with someone who doesn't have. Judging people from their job, their pay, their attitude, their life. Who are we to judge? We are NOTHING.

I don't judge people, I am not that person. I do NOT judge people based on their work, degree, pay, attitude or whatsoever. But there was something that I was proud about, very much proud of. Something that some people may have, some people may not. And when they don't, I feel like we are of two different "world", "category" or "criteria" even though we are still friends. Other people don't usually judge on this but I did. 

And just one day, God took that away from me. He took that away from me and made me feel like I was one of them too. I never feel like I would lost something like this the way I did, BUT I did. No words could describe how I felt at that point of time. Probably it was also how those people felt too. But I fail to realise before because I was busy judging thinking it would not happened to me.

It took me so long to recover and until now, I wouldn't say I have recover fully from it. I'm still hurt. As hurt as it is. As hurt as ever. Deeply down-reaching hurt. There is nothing anybody can do to remove this scar, the wound and hurt I feel. Basically just no one. Nobody understand, only Him.

But Alhamdulilah. I feel slightly better now. Allah SWT have given me a 2nd opportunity now. Insyaallah, I will try as much as possible to make things right. I will not repeat the things I've done wrong and I will continue as much as possible to work on myself to be closer to Him than before. Insyaallah.

It may not be as easy because I do fail at times. But I guess for as long as you always keep Him close to your heart and mind. Insyaallah, it will get easier.

Today, will be the day, the day to start all over again with Him closer to my heart & mind this time. Insyaallah. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie