I have been praying for this day & night. I always cry in my prayers making doa and just everything for this moment to happen. Particularly I ask Allah SWT and for this day to come. And when it finally did, something else happened.
When I'm sad and down, everyone else seems to be happy. And now that I feel happy, everyone else seems not to. I know the decision I make sometimes can be reckless or it seems like nothing good seems to come out of it. But...I make decision based on my heart and what I feel. They always say follow your heart because your heart is right. Which also means 95% of the time, I use nothing of my brain. Honestly, the reason why I can be quite gong gong.
I can't blame anyone but myself. Me and my mouth.
If I hadn't spill the beans or if I haven't said anything too much. There wouldn't be so much hatred. But what am I supposed to do now? I am so confused. I know not many people would like the idea. In fact, many will HATE it so much. People will call me crazy, people will start cursing and say bad things about me after this for sure.
But no one will understand me too. No one knows what I had to go through. They think everything is okay, they think nothing of what I have to go through, they think it was easy. But Allah SWT knows. Allah SWT knows how painful it was for me. It wasn't easy. I couldn't go to sleep at night peacefully because I was terribly haunted. I have to listen to surah after surah just to sleep in peace at night. And for the first time after so long, I finally get to sleep soundly. And why can't people see this? Why can't people understand?!
I know they want me to see me happy and I know they don't want me to be hurt again. But do they know that I have been in so much hurt? And if this is happiness for me. Why can't some people just be like some other people? Pray the best for me instead of wishing the worse for me.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm really blind. Maybe I'm a fool or just plain stupid. Maybe stubborn. Maybe once wasn't enough. Maybe I deserve the worse. Just whatever.
But only Allah SWT knows. The situation that I am in, make me crazy and blind. Make me stupid and make me stubborn like this.
As much as nothing is certain in this world, I wouldn't want to speak too soon of anything. I wouldn't side myself for the decision that I'm making. Because even I am uncertain myself, of what will happen in the future. Right now, all I can say, I need time. I need time to think, I need time for things to get back right on track, hopefully. I need time to stand on my own two feet from where I have left from. I need time to figure out stuff here and there. Time. Give me time. Insyaallah, time will tell.
Ya Allah, please guide me through this difficult and confuse times. Please show me Your guidance. I will be so lost without You. From every little tiny steps that I take from now onwards. Make every tiny bit of my steps count, a closer to You each time. No matter what I do, whatever decision I make, every little risk and reckless choice I take. Always, always, always, bring me back close to You, closer to You each time. There is no one other that I would seek help and ask for help if it's not You. Ya Allah, You know best. Every little hurdle I have to go through. Every little pain I feel. Every sacrifice I had to make. Every walk of past and future in my life. Please do not put me into the same situation that I was placed in before. Please do not make me another disappointment to my loved ones and the people around me. Make me stronger, Ya Allah. Make my life to a good use, for a good cause in this dunia & akhirah and also for Your sake, Ya Allah. Amin.
Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie
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