Kejam.

Dear Diary,

Erlina - Kejam *Click to listen*

I'm not looking forward to move on in life. Neither do I think I'll be able to. This is hard for me. I have never felt like this before my entire life. Why is it this difficult? Probably it's because half of me is already gone. Thus, it makes everything so so hard.

I'm supposed to believe that I am made for someone better in the future after you left me. But why do I can't help thinking that you are still the best among all despite the cruellest thing you did to me.

And why do my heart still reside in you when I am supposed to hate you, despise you for the things you did to me. But I couldn't bring myself to as much as I wanted to. Really, what is wrong with me?

Every single day, as much as I don't want to, I just try to make myself feel happy, be happy. Even though it is so torturing and tormenting on my side just to feel happy. Happiness comes deep within, it needed not be forced, yet it feel so painful to me just to be happy. It's like sailing against the wind. No matter how difficult it is, you just got to, you have to, you need to because you want to reach your "end destination" instead of being stuck in the middle of the sea. And that's how I feel. Cheating myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. Posting happy pictures. Hiding behind that smile. Pretending. Pretentious. Self-hypocrite.

Every single day, until now I kept on crying, crying myself to sleep or especially when I'm all alone by myself.  I don't know how long will this go on. How long will this last me. There are times I wish I could still talk to you, rant to you like before but how could I? How could I forget? You threw me! You dumped me! And I will be so so so stupid if I were to do that. Furthermore, at this moment I'm sure that I already meant nothing to you anymore. And you have probably moved on. You must be so much happier that I'm out of your life too. And you no longer have to feel burden and troubled with me, with the issues we had.

But I have not, I did not. It's easy for you but it is not that easy for me. I don't think I'll be able to love another. I don't think I can open up myself to anyone anymore. I'm going to stay this way. Hurtful as it is. Painful as it is. Torturing as it is. Wounded. Deep wounded scar. But it's okay. For as long as I have Allah SWT. He'll take care of me. I'm sure.

Ya Allah SWT. After today, I'm going leave my heart to You. I am not going to attach myself to anyone anymore. Which in the first place, I shouldn't have attached myself to anyone besides You. Ya Allah. I leave my feelings and my fate to You. I've been torn over and over again. I'm sure You know how I'm already feeling at this point of time even with words left heavy & unexplained. Ya Allah, thank You for listening. Thank You for being there when all else fail. Ya Allah, make me stronger to go through these obstacles that You put me through. Make me feel redha with all Your Qada' and Qadar. I know You know what is best for me. I will keep on praying and make lots and lots of Doa because it's only You who I turn to.

Meanwhile, Ya Allah, please take good care of my heart, I'm leaving it all to You. Please heal it and do not let this heart get attached to someone or anyone who isn't made for me, not the one where and whom my tulang rusuk is made from.  

Princess Azie Anni.