Now that 2014 have left us. Let's welcome 2015 with an "open" hands? I really hope so.
There were so many things that I wanted to blog about. I blog stuff when I'm happy and when I'm down but when I'm totally depressed. I tend to just disappear and bottle things inside myself and come back when I feel quite okay.
Well, honestly, I was quite happy with my life despite the little hiccups here and there. Everything were not say, perfect but Alhamdulilah to me. I have never felt complete before. My family. A job. A boyfriend. Completed University with First Class Honours. Pay increment. Blah blah blah. I never felt more thankful to Allah SWT for blessing me in such ways.
But something happened and things took a little rowdy turn when D asked me for a break-up. I don't know. I saw it coming before. I have always known that we won't last that long because of the way how he treated me in this relationship, commitment issues, not wanting to meet up with me often etc etc etc but I always kept my faith and hopes high. I pray every day and night hoping it won't turn out what it will turn out to be one day.
They always say, doa and prayers work wonders and so I did. I prayed day and night. But sometimes, there are things that we can't avoid or just inevitable, no matter how much we want to, no matter how much we tried. Like they say, kita merancang tapi Allah SWT yang tentukan. There's only how much I can do, pray, doa and tried my best to be the best I can in a relationship which in this case I think I've did my biggest part.
Our relationship is like a big question mark right now. I told him that I didn't want to break up and he said we'll continue. But apparently, I've been shut off. I was blocked from Whatsapp and everywhere. And all I can do now is just redha & pasrah. There's nothing much I can do.
Dear Allah, I love him so much. I love him so much than I even love myself. I hope You will keep him safe. I hope You'll make him happy always and bring him always near to Your path. They always say, love require sacrifices even if it hurts you so that the other party will be happy. And I think at this point, that is all I can do for him and this would be my sacrifice for him. It doesn't matter that I'm hurt like this, hurt hurt so much like this.
But dearest Allah, please please please, heal me. Make me better, make me feel okay through my constant prayers and through my constant reciting of the Qur'an. Dry my tears. I've been so tired crying every single day and night. I'm tired of feeling broken inside. I'm tired of losing appetite, losing interest in everything that I like to do. Lift away the emptiness that I feel inside of me because I have You. And if erasing memories were easier, please help me erase the memories away. Because honestly, I cannot stand living like this. It's too painful for me. Too too painful.
Ya Allah, there is no one that I'll turn to heal me, to understand me and make me feel better if it's not You. I know this shall past but help me get through this Ya Allah. Amin.
Princess Azie Anni.
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