The Long-Term Relationship Break Up.

Dear Diary,

As you know well, recently. I wouldn't say it's too recent either. And I'm sure everyone has at least gone through this stage. I've been through quite a bit before, a couple of times but it doesn't impacted as much as this did. Probably this was what you call your very first True Love?

8 years. My high school sweetheart.

You practically go through everything together. You are a companion to each other. You see each other grow. You understand each other better than anyone would ever understand you, not even your family. You are like telepathy to each other. You stick to each other like glue that the whole world knows you belong to each other. You feel each other love, without doubt. All you need was just each other. Basically, it feels like you are a family, married sometimes. Probably just not living together with no kids and not doing things that you are not supposed to do OF COURSE.

For years and years it has been like this. Then one day...It just happens.

Initial stage it was crazy. I don't think crazy is even the right word to use, an understatement. It was more than that. 

You slowly feel your whole world starts to fall apart. You feel different, just not you. You feel incomplete. You need someone to talk to but all you had was just yourself because you didn't want to trouble anybody listening to your annoying cries and whine. Probably just too embarrassed and no one would really understand what you are going through even if you were to say anything.

You realised you had no one. You feel like screaming and all you do is cry. You cry every single day, every every single night, cry when memories strike back bulging your eyeballs out. Sometimes it feels like you have already run out of tears, yet, you still manage to shed some more, somehow. 

You know it's no longer your concern but when he change doing things that he knows you dislike the most, things that you hated, it still affect you a lot in many ways and you wish he hadn't. He start contacting girls the moment it was over but you? Kept HOLDING on & HOPING. 

You thought to yourself. He must have valued you so little before. He must have not care about you at all.  Because how easy could someone just move on from your life after years of years of being together while here you are struggling EVERY single day?

Slowly, you tried to convince yourself and start to pick yourself up again. Slowly... It was a painful pathway to walk. It was even terrible when you tried to stand when suddenly the good old days start crawling into the picture and you fall back again. There are times you wish you could run back because you can no longer take it any more. But something was holding it back the both of you. Ego? Afraid? Rejection? History?

Only Allah knows.

And there are times you think you are okay and are already doing fine. But little did you realize, you weren't. You were just trying to convince yourself all this while that you did.

You pick yourself up again. 

The worse thing was FORCING yourself way out to smile and laugh again, to enjoy yourself, to be happy even though deep down you are still bleeding, bleeding so much. You tell yourself, if he can live and move on happily without you, so why can't you? He feels happier without you now, like he finally got his FREEDOM.

SO WHY CAN'T YOU?!

You learnt.

1) First stage was learning to be independent. Things that you never imagine that you have to do it one day, you had to and you actually did. You learn and discover new things on your own that you thought you weren't capable of before. Bit by bit, you start to discover yourself. You break out of that "shell" that you were in.

Honestly, I have never ordered my own meal before. I sucks horribly at directions. I am afraid to ask anyone anything especially at the front counter of a stall, shop or whatever. And I feel most awkward going somewhere on my own, I always feel I needed companion.

But I finally did.

2) Second stage, your life changes. Well, not all but MOSTLY. You used to dine out and have nice food together but now you rather go home and have home cooked food instead. And even if you wished to try the latest food available, you do take-away. You stop spending on movies, you either watch it online or you don't even know what is the latest movie that is going on now. You kept things to yourself because you used to have someone you could pour your feelings out and who would listen to you. You just don't really feel quite comfortable to share it with any Tom, Dick or Harry. You end up being lonely, alone free most of the time while your friends & family spend time with their other half. It's really hard when you think about it but all you need is just a little getting used to it.

3) Third stage, you tried doing the same thing he did, moving on. Honestly, this is the MOST hatred part ever. HATE. HATE. HATE. Especially if you haven't been doing it for years. Forcing yourself to meet and get to know other people because that is the only way to remind you, what past is past and you have got to move on. You try to open up yourself and break that circle you were in before. If you are lucky enough, you might find your Mr. Right.

While for me, none actually quite suit the heart. You start to compare. No one was ever sincere as he was, no one love you as much as he does and no one actually treat you nicer than how nice he treated you. 

Some guys you thought were sincere, was just actually fooling around with your feelings. Some are just waiting to prey on you. Some took advantage out of your money, your time. Some just use you just for companion sake. Some move too fast hoping for sparks to happen between the two of you while you are just like "I only knew you yesterday and you expect us to be in a relationship?! Are you nuts?" Some were just totally insane like "What the heck are you so obsessed with me, you crazy idiot!" The worse thing is when someone who is already attached (which you don't even know about it) ask you out and then pretended like NOTHING ever happened between the both of you. You can be mean to spill the beans but you choose not to.

Stupid woman. How can you be so foolish?! You start to see how evil, vicious and nasty the real world are. But that IS reality. That IS how the real world.

But some were really nice. A true gentleman but you can never bring yourself to. Aren't feelings the most complicated thing ever? You find the right one but your heart just wouldn't want to settle. You found the wrong one, yet your heart chooses it and you got hurt all over again.

4) Forth stage, the fall back. You start questioning. What happen if you can't find someone as good? Or you'll end up meeting someone who is even worst? You tried to work it out somehow thinking there was still some hope. Too much misses, you met and you talked. But talk becomes blaming and sarcasm, blaming and sarcasm becomes anger, anger becomes argument and it was back to same process all over again.

You left for a reason didn't you? But at least, it eases your heart to at least know you have tried for the second time and you did give your final fight. But probably ego was too much on the other side and you know he was happier and would rather live life without you. You get it inside your head that things will never work out between the both of you ever again.

5) Fifth stage, going with the flow and let life take you wherever it wants to take you to. You gave up. You can't be bothered with anything any more. Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. Que Sera, Sera. What will be, will be.

---

Breaking up are never easy. One moment you feel right about it, the next moment you feel worst about it. I wouldn't say I have move on fully from the previous. Even though I am at the fifth stage but up till now, I am still trying to pick myself up. It is never easy, never was. There are days in between that I still have my fall back moments and cry myself to sleep. No doubt, even after years, I might and could still find it as hard till the right ones come.

And who are we to define or decide on our future. You might end up with the same person that you initially left or you might meet someone new. Fate will bring the two of you together at the right time, at the right moment. And the concern, what happens if we were to meet someone worse, just like I do? Well, who are we to judge anyway? What are we to worry about? Because Allah SWT has already determined who you will marry and who you will be with, the ONLY way is to work yourself closer to Allah SWT.

Apa yang terjadi adalah Allah yang menghendaki. Sesungguhnya kami adalah dari Allah, dan sesungguhnya kami semua akan kembali kepada Allah SWT. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku pahala atas musibah yang terjadi padaku. Dan berikanlah kepadaku pengganti yang lebih baik daripadanya.

Allah SWT berfirman:

 “Perempuan yang jahat untuk lelaki yang jahat dan lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat, perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik dan lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik.”
(An-Nur':26)

"Wahai sekalian orang-orang yang beriman! Mintalah pertolongan (untuk menghadapi susah payah dalam menyempurnakan sesuatu perintah Tuhan) dengan bersabar dan dengan (mengerjakan) sembahyang; kerana sesungguhnya Allah menyertai (menolong) orang-orang yang sabar."
(Al-Baqarah 2:153)

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.”
(Al-Baqarah : 216)

Work your ways towards Allah SWT dengan berdoa and bersabar. Insyaallah, the answer is right there. And whatever it is, as long as you know Allah SWT is with you, you will always be fine. =)

Till here.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥