Mom

Dear Diary,

I haven't been updating this space for such a long time. So many things happened actually happened and I don't even know where to begin.

Mama was pretty much unwell. She was sick and weak that she couldn't even walk at all. Half of my time was spent taking care of her. Thank Allah I was able to take leave from work, to spend more time with her at home. And well, rather not half of my time. It was more than half of my time I would say.

Mama was rather attached to me. She always wanted me to be by her side 24 hours. I couldn't even leave her side. She just needed somebody that she was comfortable with at all time. I still remember how I suffer aches from my back because I had to sleep on the uncomfortable chair at the hospital. Lol! But honestly, all these meant nothing to the sacrifices she has done for me.

14 June 2015

It came too fast. We saw it coming but didn't expect it to happen this fast. Mama blew her last breath on that day at the hospital in the midnight. I could remember that day vividly, still so clear in my mind.

"No more heartbeat, Sir" was the last word the nurse told Ayah. My legs became wobbly and I fall to the ground. Ressal's mom was there to quickly grabbed me and told me to calm myself down. I knew on that day, I've lost her forever. Someone whom I'm so close with, whom I thought I will never able to live without. I now had to. I had to learn to live without her.

A month it will be soon, since Mama left me, left us. And I still miss her very very much from time to time. Some days when I remember the good days, I smiled to myself but sometimes when I miss her a little too much, I still break down and cry. They say it takes time and time will heal everything. I hope so. Because I'm not too sure how long will I go on to be like this. It's different, she is not anybody else that I just happened to lose. She is my mom.

People don't understand.

Some tell me at least I'm lucky to get to feel a Mother's love before Allah decides to take her away compared to some people who don't at all. Of course it's different. It's slightly painful for us because the bond is there. The attachment has been established. It's harder than you think it is.

Example:-

Imagine someone who has an iPhone and has stored all sorts of information in it and loses the phone. While someone who doesn't own an iPhone at all. The one who doesn't own an iPhone will of course feel upset that he doesn't own one, but he knows that he can't afford one & doesn't have one so it's not that upsetting for him, not until he sees someone having an iPhone.

But the who could only afford one iPhone and lost it feel more of the pain because of the attachment that they have for the phone everyday. They will think about it more than those who doesn't own one because they are so used to having the phone with them to make calls as well as storing information. So, when its gone it feels different, like something is amiss in their life.

Get what I mean?

Till here. I won't be updating here as much for now because the fasting month is around and I've been busy with cookings & bakings and what not. So I won't be able to have enough time to switch on my laptop to start writing.

But you can still catch me here:-

 

https://dayre.me/princess__azie/2015

I'll be updating the space there more. Till here.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

Advance

Dear Diary,

It has almost been a month plus since I last update my space here. So many things happened within this one month. Probably a fast update on everything since I'm catching the train. Just kidding.

Adik is finally married to the love of her life, Ressal. Ressal, who is now my brother-in-law and is staying over at our place. Hehe! And I cannot be more than happy to welcome Ressal to the family. So far things have been Alhamdulilah for us. And I hope it'll remain like this. Amin.

So Adik & Ressal will be off to their honeymoon to Istanbul, Turkey tomorrow midnight and we'll be sending them off. I cannot be more than happy to see this two newly wed. Amin Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

---

I could touch slightly about some sad things but I do not want to go into there since it has been days that I have been feeling sad. I'm not going to highlight that anymore.

So let's touch a little about my love life to put a smile on my face.

I cannot thank Allah so much for answering my prayers. So D and I took a rather advance step into our relationship. Syukur Alhamdulilah. I don't want to say anything yet since everything is in progress but rather slowly and carefully for now. If all is well, Insyaallah. Insyaallah. Insyaallah. Amin.

Have you ever wonder who Allah has determine you to be when you were already in your mommy's tummy? Who is your life partner? How would he look like? How amazing that you're actually the creation of your husband's tulang rusuk.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Jodoh Pasti Bertemu

Dear Diary,

It must be hard being with someone who is always confused all the time. Well, that's me. Haha! Probably being a Gemini. There are times it feels like I know this is what I want and then, I had everything all twisted again and there comes the confusion. That's when I started questioning and goes in long deep doubt.

Have you ever sat down and thought to yourself about your partner or your future partner? About marriage and settling down together?

What happens if the two are you not happy after marriage? What happens if you could go along to his likes and dislikes, his attitude, his characters now but once after marriage, you become sick of it? What happens if he isn't a responsible husband? What happens if he can't guide you to be a better person in life? What happens if he doesn't care about you? Or what happens if he has an affair behind your back?

Islam encourages, bercinta selepas nikah. Well, I agree to a certain extent but that does not mean you marry blindly. Because Islam also allow you to get to know the other party first before jumping into marriage. Correct me if I'm wrong. Because what happens if it's an arrange marriage and that guy is a drug addict, jobless, hot-tempered and like to abuse. That's pretty scary.

I used to think everything is about chemistry, about love. Well, it's true these two play an important part in a relationship. Because it's no use forcing yourself to be married to someone when you don't reciprocate the same feeling. But sometimes, it is not all about love.

Anyway....

Whatever it is, I always feel that whoever you end with, your jodoh, it is all written by Allah SWT. Whether he is a good man or otherwise, there are always a reason to why Allah SWT wrote him for you. It's either for you to guide him to be a better person or for him to guide you to be a better person.

To those single man and ladies out there, just like this song and just like how I'm feeling, 'Jodoh Pasti Bertemu.' Insyaallah. Amin.


 andai engkau tau betapa ku mencinta
 selalu menjadikanmu isi dalam doaku
 ku tahu tak mudah menjadi yang kau minta
 ku pasrahkan hatiku, takdir kan menjawabnya   [reff:]
 jika aku bukan jalanmu
 ku berhenti mengharapkanmu
 jika aku memang tercipta untukmu
 ku kan memilikimu
 jodoh pasti bertemu    andai engkau tahu betapa ku mencinta
 ku pasrahkan hatiku, takdir kan menjawabnya   [reff]  (ku tuliskan dinadiku, kau yang tercipta untukku, akan memilikimu)  ooooo
 jika aku bukan jalanmu
 ku berhenti mengharapkanmu
 jika aku memang tercipta untukmu
 ku kan memilikimu 
 (jika aku bukan jalanmu)
 ku berhenti mengharapkanmu
 jika aku memang tercipta untukmu
 ku kan memilikimu
 jodoh pasti bertemu...  

I was supposed to text you but I don't know what is stopping me. I know you won't be reading this but I just have to write it down.

 

Have a safe trip to Melacca. Enjoy yourself. Most importantly, be safe and take good care of yourself. I will always keep you in my prayers. Always have, always been.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

See You Again

Dear Diary,

I am quite speechless at the moment. I don't know how should I blog this. I mean, I don't know how to even say it. There are many things that are running through my head. This is the first time it feels like I couldn't even expressed everything into words when I'm actually better at this.

Well, let me try....

My life. It feels empty. Unfair. Confused. Sad.

I know there are people who is going far through worse than me. I should feel bless and syukur standing at where I am now. But sadly, feeling torn and broken is consuming too much of me. It empowers all other emotions, making it the most superior emotions I have at the moment.

How do you handle the people who left? Your loved ones especially. Someone whom you love so much. It's not that I haven't been through this before. There are a few occasion, I lose my love ones. My late grandma, late grandpa. But certain things are not the same.

I worry the after effect. Will I be okay? Is everything going to turn out fine? What will I be?  I have never imagine few years back this is how Allah SWT have written my life, fate to be.

But after all, this is life. This is dunia. The short-lived. I have to redha with His Qada' and Qadar.

Everything happens for a reason. And I must know my purpose in this world. It's only to serve Him. Nothing is permanent, everything are just temporary. To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.

I guess that's all.

And I don't even know whatever I'm saying make sense.

Who cares about making sense. I am sense-less myself.

It's been a long day without you my friend

 And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

 We've come a long way from where we began

 Oh I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

 When I see you again

 

 Damn who knew all the planes we flew

 Good things we've been through

 That I'll be standing right here

 Talking to you about another path I

 Know we loved to hit the road and laugh

 But something told me that it wouldn't last

 Had to switch up look at things different see the bigger picture

 Those were the days hard work forever pays now I see you in a better place

 

 How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?

 Everything I went through you were standing there by my side

 And now you gonna be with me for the last ride

 

 It's been a long day without you my friend

 And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

 We've come a long way from where we began

 Oh I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

 when I see you again

 

 First you both go out your way

 And the vibe is feeling strong and what's

 Small turn to a friendship a friendship

 Turn into a bond and that bond will never

 Be broke and the love will never get lost

 And when brotherhood come first then the line

 Will never be crossed established it on our own

 When that line had to be drawn and that line is what

 We reach so remember me when I'm gone

 

 How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?

 Everything I went through you were standing there by my side

 And now you gonna be with me for the last ride

 

 So let the light guide your way hold every memory

 As you go and every road you take will always lead you home

 

 It's been a long day without you my friend

 And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

 We've come a long way from where we began

 Oh I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

 When I see you again

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Mr. Prince

Dear Diary,

Since I have nothing much to blog today, I decided to blog a random post which do come across my mind from time to time.

Frankly, I am not fanciful yet petty when it comes to choosing Mr. Prince and I don't have high expectations like wanting diamonds or sunshine because I know what relationship are made of. There are regular ups and downs which are filled with sweet and sour moments.

But of course like any other person there are the Do's and Don'ts that you expect of Mr. Prince.

The DO's

A simple princess, I am quite easy to please, well minus PMS. I don't expect to be showered with expensive gifts nor expensive treats during special occasion or even on normal days. But that does not mean I don't expect anything. A LITTLE gestures like giving me a 'Good Morning/Good Night' text or a Birthday Wish on Facebook etc, showing effort of remembrance will make me the most happiest girl ever.

I don't expect him to bring me to any posh restaurants or expensive dining nor outings when we go out. But I do expect SOME of his time just to spend it with me. Just going for a short walk & chit-chatting or dining at any cheap hawker centres would mean the world to me.

You have to understand that dollars & cents cannot buy me, cannot buy my love. You can be the richest kid on earth but that does not mean you can win me over and thinking that just by spending pennies on me, it would make me fall for you. You can be stone broke but if I feel sincerity and honesty when I'm with you, it is already enough for me. Unlike some other girls, I value sincerity than monetary.

Having a job and being responsible. I don't need him to earn thousands over dollars or even millions for me but if he does, Alhamdulilah. All I need is for him to have a job. It doesn't matter if he earns so much lesser than me but having a sense of responsibility over me and my family ensuring that he works hard, makes me feel secure.

Yes, I do not wish to repeat the same cycle living in difficulty over financial wise, but if that is how fate is written for me, I am not afraid. I wasn't born a silver spoon either, it was hard-up for me when I was young. I remember I couldn't even afford to buy myself a $10 school shoe and end up wearing them even when they got holes all over. I remember how it used to get soaking wet during rainy days and I had to wear slipper before changing back to my school shoes during rainy days. But you know what? I gain a lot of values and I am not ashamed to say. It was this, that drove me to be determined in life, to always do well in school, to be well-driven and strive for the best because I wanted to help my family. I know the value of money and I never take it for granted. I learn to save, save a lot and save so much and was not spendthrift. If this is the price that I have to pay for my children, why not.

Comfortability. Someone that I am comfortable with. Someone whom I can talk about anything and everything under the sun and I know he listens not because he is just pretending to do so but because he cares and he loves listening to me. Someone I can share my stories, even the worst thing about me and not afraid he will judge me. Someone who gives suggestion and advice and not criticize me. Someone whom I am comfortable to appear my normal self, even without a teeny bit of make-up on or if I do have break-outs which I feel so embarrassed to go out but he can still look at me the same. More of feeling safe and the comfort when I'm with him.

A plus point to me if he practice and is knowledgeable in rules of Islam to carry and bring my family & I towards the rightfully path, His path. I don't need him to be super duper religious, which I don't quite fancy as well but I need someone would at least pray when he has the time, pray together as a family, go to the mosque with me during the fasting month for terawih, perform his Friday prayers, I would not mind going for a religious talk together, someone who fast during the fasting month etc. Just like how a normal Muslim individual would.

Last but not least, is Chemistry. Love is blind and the most complicated things which I cannot even deny up till now. Sometimes a guy has all the quality that you have been looking for or even so much better than what you have looked for but if there isn't any chemistry between you and him, you can never force yourself to like or be with him and neither can he force you to be. To me, chemistry is important, because it is like some kind of connection that you feel when you are with him or even that very first moment when you saw/meet him. It is some kind of attraction that you have for one another, that just captivates the both of you together. Sometimes even the impossible becomes possible. For instance, people whom speak bad English turns you off and you tell yourself you will never be with this kind of person, but you happened to meet with one that you have some kind of chemistry with, that bad English becomes something so cute to you that you can giggle about and no longer an issue. You feel me? I bet you do.

The DON'Ts

Even though there are things that turns you off and could change your mind to like it over time. But there are still things that I would not tolerate and would not change to like it as I grow with time.

I call these the basic. Smoking, drinking & clubbing. You do these 3, I won't even have a second look. I am not looking down on people who does this. It's your choice, it's between you & Allah. But I just cannot imagine, if you cannot avoid yourself doing this, I don't know how you would be able to carry yourself in the future especially when you have children or in what way will you be able to guide me and the family. Would you even be able to stop? Now, that's another thing.

"Selling" himself or even trying to impress. Boasting around about all the good things about your life, your good quality especially when I do not even ask, makes me want to vomit, literally. I will find out about your good quality when I'm with you, you don't have to tell me. And you have to remember, I'm a very competitive person, so whatever you think you can achieve, I'll make sure I do it so that I will remain on the same par as you. Even if I don't have it, I'll do anything that it takes. Driving license? To get a degree? and etc. Checked! Sorry, I wasn't trying to show off but you boasted.

Yes, I love fancy fairy tales but I don't need anyone trying too hard to win me. You end up becoming pushy trying to "rush/force" me into a relationship which I am barely even comfortable with, like "Why are you so obsessed with me?!" kind of thingy. I don't want an engross someone to go head over heels on me. It gives me the goosebumps. I am a normal person, some pictures you look pretty, most pictures I am not. Of course it's really sweet and nice when someone tells you that you look beautiful but not constantly praising you, praising your every picture. Like seriously? Enough already. And appearing at my void decks just to give me "surprises" just because I did not reply your text or pestering in asking me out despite me not wanting, makes me so scared than yearn.

Forcing me to like into things that he likes which I do not. If the things that I like, isn't any of his liking, it's fine with me. I mean it will be nice if we try to like each other's liking but forcing won't help because some things can never be force upon. Like forcing me to eat nuts & cheese. Are you nuts? I can't do it. I'll do the same for you, you do the same for me.

I love sports. I love my running, I love swimming, I love my abs work-outs etc. I don't know if sturdy is the right choice of word to use but something along that line. I don't need him to do all these, neither do I expect him to have abs. I don't really fancy guys with abs anyway. But I prefer someone who is rather tough and firm when he carry himself, like a man. Lol! I don't like lembik guys, it turns me off. Because I am already so aggressive myself, being with a lembik guy makes me think, who is the guy, who is the girl now? Zzz! And especially, do not act cute. Guys acting cute, seriously, oh my God! I WILL DIE.

Sensitive and drawing the line. There are certain things that you can say or you better not say especially when we don't have any kind of chemistry yet. You don't tell me to watch my diet or talk about how I have put on weight and how I should do this exercise to lose weight blah blah blah. It's disrespectful because it makes me think, Have you been observing my body?! My weight, I watch it myself. Even to any other woman out there, weight is sensitive issue to talk about especially if you ain't close to that person.

And you don't call me sweet cute names like sugar pie or honey bee when we are not an item. This is a major turn off to me and I cannot cannot cannot stand it. Just a gentle reminder, when we are not an item together. So am I. I am not a food. Not a sugar, not a pie and I am not an insect either, not a bee definitely. My name is Azie, so get it right.

To me, learning to draw the line is most important thing. You don't do this when you only get to know someone just yesterday. You thought you had the chemistry but she might not. Sure, we can come to this one day, calling each other sweet names, shortcake, pumpkin, babylove and advicing on each other's body kind of thingy BUT only when we are more comfortable and have the chemistry.

Till here. I have said my point.

And honestly, if you are a**hole who wishes to destroy woman's life and not because you are serious with her. You can jolly well jump down and kill yourself. Because why? You moron don't deserve to live in this world. Okay bye.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

Cousins Bowl & Ubin

Dear Diary,

I know that recently my blog post have been nothing, but all the bitter post. So today, I am going to blog more of the happy post.

My cousins & I sort of make a promise that all of us should go out together AT LEAST once every month. This is to make sure that we are always bonded somehow. And each month, we always think or come out with something fun to do together.

Last 2 months, we went bowling together. I am seriously the lousiest bowler of all. I can't bowl properly for nuts and usually when I bowl, my ball end up going to the side hole. Lol! But my aunties & cousins. They are good, no doubt. So, despite my lousiness for bowling, I just bowl for fun even though my score is always the lowest. Hehe!

Took a pit stop together at Bukit Panjang Plaza for dinner before heading for Bowling.

 

Bowling starts,

 

Cousin Firman

 

Cousin Lyna

 

Oppy

 

Cousin Dil

 

And myself of course.

 

Not forgetting, my aunties who came to play bowling with us too.

 

 

Mak Tam

 

 

Now the different technique of bowling of Mokde's. But be surprised, for throwing that way. She was one who had the highest score. She hit all 10 pins okayyyyyy. Lol!

 

 

 



We bowled for at least 2 sets of game before heading home. By then, it was already past midnight. Hehe! Just nice for a late bedtime.

---

And last month, we decided to practice a healthier lifestyle. So, we venture into Pulau Ubin for cycling instead. Sadly, it was pouring so heavily but we decided to just cycle in the rain. I was fringing colddddddd. My shoes were wet and I was superbly drenched.

But it was a nice feeling though because I have never tried cycling in the rain before. Hehe! It was after a few minutes, the rain stopped and the sun was out. So hoorayyyy, we managed to cycle around and cover a few places.

This time, I didn't take much pictures because my camera was inside my bag most of the time. But I did snap some pictures here and there.

Sea creatures

 

 

I have never seen a spider quite this big before. Errr.

 

Brought my cousins here for a good picture of the cliff. And yes, I finally get to do the 'Bella Cliff Diving' post. Woohooo!

Till here.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥

Guide me Ya Rabb.

Dear Diary,

I have been praying for this day & night. I always cry in my prayers making doa and just everything for this moment to happen. Particularly I ask Allah SWT and for this day to come. And when it finally did, something else happened.

When I'm sad and down, everyone else seems to be happy. And now that I feel happy, everyone else seems not to. I know the decision I make sometimes can be reckless or it seems like nothing good seems to come out of it. But...I make decision based on my heart and what I feel. They always say follow your heart because your heart is right. Which also means 95% of the time, I use nothing of my brain. Honestly, the reason why I can be quite gong gong.

I can't blame anyone but myself. Me and my mouth.

If I hadn't spill the beans or if I haven't said anything too much. There wouldn't be so much hatred. But what am I supposed to do now? I am so confused. I know not many people would like the idea. In fact, many will HATE it so much. People will call me crazy, people will start cursing and say bad things about me after this for sure.

But no one will understand me too. No one knows what I had to go through. They think everything is okay, they think nothing of what I have to go through, they think it was easy. But Allah SWT knows. Allah SWT knows how painful it was for me. It wasn't easy. I couldn't go to sleep at night peacefully because I was terribly haunted. I have to listen to surah after surah just to sleep in peace at night. And for the first time after so long, I finally get to sleep soundly. And why can't people see this? Why can't people understand?!

I know they want me to see me happy and I know they don't want me to be hurt again. But do they know that I have been in so much hurt? And if this is happiness for me. Why can't some people just be like some other people? Pray the best for me instead of wishing the worse for me.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm really blind. Maybe I'm a fool or just plain stupid. Maybe stubborn. Maybe once wasn't enough. Maybe I deserve the worse. Just whatever.

But only Allah SWT knows. The situation that I am in, make me crazy and blind. Make me stupid and make me stubborn like this.

As much as nothing is certain in this world, I wouldn't want to speak too soon of anything. I wouldn't side myself for the decision that I'm making. Because even I am uncertain myself, of what will happen in the future. Right now, all I can say, I need time. I need time to think, I need time for things to get back right on track, hopefully. I need time to stand on my own two feet from where I have left from. I need time to figure out stuff here and there. Time. Give me time. Insyaallah, time will tell.

Ya Allah, please guide me through this difficult and confuse times. Please show me Your guidance. I will be so lost without You. From every little tiny steps that I take from now onwards. Make every tiny bit of my steps count, a closer to You each time. No matter what I do, whatever decision I make, every little risk and reckless choice I take. Always, always, always, bring me back close to You, closer to You each time. There is no one other that I would seek help and ask for help if it's not You. Ya Allah, You know best. Every little hurdle I have to go through. Every little pain I feel. Every sacrifice I had to make. Every walk of past and future in my life. Please do not put me into the same situation that I was placed in before. Please do not make me another disappointment to my loved ones and the people around me. Make me stronger, Ya Allah. Make my life to a good use, for a good cause in this dunia & akhirah and also for Your sake, Ya Allah. Amin.

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Dear Diary,

Love can be quite a complicated thing ey?

One moment it feels like that was something that I really wanted so so bad and when I got hold of it. The next moment, it just feels like I didn't want it anymore. So, I dropped the bomb. It's like you want it yet you don't want it. It's...just...complicated.

So the next option besides want and don't want was...sacrifice. Yes. We sacrifice certain things even though sometimes we don't even know what we're doing. Sacrifice for the sake of ourselves and for the sake of someone else.

And like 'The Fault in Our Stars' quoted,

Love is keeping the promise anyway.

And as confusing as it can be, as complicated it is, as how intoxicated happily you are by love... At the end of the day, we all know, only love can hurt twice as much.

Only love can hurt like this,

"Only Love Can Hurt Like This"

I tell myself you don't mean a thing,
 And what we got, got no hold on me
 But when you're not there I just crumble

 I tell myself I don't care that much,
 But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch,

 Only love, only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this
 Must have been a deadly kiss
 Only love can hurt like this

 

 Say I wouldn't care if you walked away,
 But every time you're there I'm begging you to stay,
 When you come close I just tremble

 And every time, every time you go,
 It's like a knife that cuts right through my soul

 Only love, only love can hurt like this

 Only love can hurt like this,
 Must have been a deadly kiss,
 Only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this

 Your kisses burn into my skin,
 Only love can hurt like this

 But it's the sweetest pain,
 Burning hot through my veins,
 Love is torture makes me more sure

 Only love can hurt like this

 

 Only love can hurt like this,
 Only love can hurt like this,
 Must have been a deadly kiss,

 Only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this,
 Your kisses burn into my skin,

 Only love can hurt like this,

 Only love can hurt like this,

 Save me, save me,
 Only love, only love,
 'Cause only love can hurt like this
 And it must have been a deadly kiss

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Wake Up Call

Dear Diary,

Not many people are given the 2nd chance or the 2nd opportunity of/over something. Or maybe even if we do so, some might throw those chances away not realizing anything, while some choose to cherish and treat it as a 'wake up call'.

Honestly speaking, I am not the kind who has really ever experience into this '2nd chance' opportunity my whole entire life. I was never. Not until I say recently or maybe now at this very moment.

I look back.

I have never really fail school that bad, never a school drop out and my grades have always been good, satisfactory and sometimes excellent. I don't go through the hurdles and pain of being jobless, not for a very long time, that I managed to secure a job. I was having problem financially, but it was still Alhamdulilah for my family and I that we are still able to survive and live happily. I'll make sure I treasure every single person in life so that I don't feel any sense of regret if one day I were to leave this world.

I am not beautiful neither am I superbly pretty but just being me. I know I was somehow average. I know I am capable of many things. I can cook. I can bake. I can do things that even guys can do. I can fix that things that are broken. I prayed and I read the Qur'an.

Basically, my life was...I would say...contented.

I was very contented with everything that I have and what I can do. Much contented that I didn't even realised I was become proud. So proud about everything that once in a while, as much as I know it's wrong, I end up JUDGING people WITHOUT realizing. I set criteria on people.

As embarrassed I am to say this but this is just something that I would love to share.

....

One day, something happened. Something bad happened. It was then when things took a different route.

Like how I never felt like a failure my entire life, it was also the first time that I actually have never felt this worse my entire life too. It was a grief moment for me. More of a great wake up call I would say.

It took me so long to realise but everything happens for a reason. It's either for a good cause or a lesson in life. And I know Allah SWT loves me a lot. He loves me that He chose this path for me to realize what I have done wrong, what I have think wrong all these while.

Yes, we can feel contented with what Allah SWT has given us, bless us with. That is what He wants us to feel. Contented. Syukur with all His nikmat, with all His blessings. But there is a different between feeling syukur and contented compared to feeling proud. I didn't realised I was getting there. And sometimes, without realizing some people are actually feeling proud than being syukur.

Feeling syukur is just you and Him alone. Feeling proud is letting the whole world knows. And that was what I was doing. Letting the whole world knows, at times.

And you know, it's never good judging other people. Sometimes, at the bottom of our hearts we know, it's not good to judge someone and we try not to. We know it. But without realizing, we sometimes tend to judge people especially, given a situation let say. Someone who has a Degree and with someone who doesn't have. Judging people from their job, their pay, their attitude, their life. Who are we to judge? We are NOTHING.

I don't judge people, I am not that person. I do NOT judge people based on their work, degree, pay, attitude or whatsoever. But there was something that I was proud about, very much proud of. Something that some people may have, some people may not. And when they don't, I feel like we are of two different "world", "category" or "criteria" even though we are still friends. Other people don't usually judge on this but I did. 

And just one day, God took that away from me. He took that away from me and made me feel like I was one of them too. I never feel like I would lost something like this the way I did, BUT I did. No words could describe how I felt at that point of time. Probably it was also how those people felt too. But I fail to realise before because I was busy judging thinking it would not happened to me.

It took me so long to recover and until now, I wouldn't say I have recover fully from it. I'm still hurt. As hurt as it is. As hurt as ever. Deeply down-reaching hurt. There is nothing anybody can do to remove this scar, the wound and hurt I feel. Basically just no one. Nobody understand, only Him.

But Alhamdulilah. I feel slightly better now. Allah SWT have given me a 2nd opportunity now. Insyaallah, I will try as much as possible to make things right. I will not repeat the things I've done wrong and I will continue as much as possible to work on myself to be closer to Him than before. Insyaallah.

It may not be as easy because I do fail at times. But I guess for as long as you always keep Him close to your heart and mind. Insyaallah, it will get easier.

Today, will be the day, the day to start all over again with Him closer to my heart & mind this time. Insyaallah. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Choices

Dear Diary,

I don't have any choice left do I? I'm torn between two. I don't know what else to do. There's a choice I could choose from to my own benefit, to my own liking, a choice I really really wanted so bad. I cannot wait. I keep, you leave.

But either decision I take, either decision I make, I'll break hearts.

So I had to follow suit. Why am I ALWAYS saving people? When they don't even spare a thought about me in the first place. When they weren't the one saving me in the first place.

I don't know what the future might hold.

And promises can be broken sometimes. Along the way things might/can change. We promise one thing, we do another thing. We all know that. These things can happen, only God knows. And if happened, that those promises are broken, I'll be back to square one, I'll be at my loosing wits.

I have another choice probably after that. Not really a nice one. A bad choice I would say. A choice to BURST and EXPLODE. This will be vindicative. And this will hurt many many many hearts.

But honestly, at this point of time. If anybody were in my position.

Do I really need to care? Do I really need to care about hearts being broken? Don't you think it's time that I start thinking for myself and not what other people think? Don't you think it's time I decide on what I want for myself and not what other people want? Don't you think that I suffered enough that I should step up to what I actually want? Don't you think I should be selfish now since that is what everyone around me is doing...doing to me? Enough may be enough.

To what the world portray. It teaches me so much. So it is, my decision has been made.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Guard my heart.

Dear Diary,

This week has been slightly hectic for me. Mama was feeling pretty unwell on Sunday, complaining of shortness of breath. So I took urgent leave and brought her to the hospital. The A&E waiting hours was goshhh, taking us forever. So, I basically stayed the whole day there before Mama actually got her ward. Some even had to wait for 12 hours before they actually got a ward for themselves. Tskk! But I was glad to be of help in the A&E, since the number of manpower of nurses was short. So, I helped to do easy teeny stuff like bringing the patient to the toilet and helping them with their slippers as well as bringing down the side-grill of the bed. I wanted to become a nurse before actually but the cut-off-point stopped me. I decided to do Biomedical Science instead.

---

I gained weight initially.

But now I haven't been having the appetite to eat lately. I was supposed to lose weight for Adik's upcoming wedding because one of the baju that I was supposed to fit during her solemnization ceremony was tight now.  But apparently at the rate of how I'm trying to lose weight, this is worse than having to lose weight, because I don't wish to eat at all. Not at all. I don't even feel hungry. All I want to do is just cry, cry, cry and cry.

But who cares if I were to eat or not.

Neither am I able to sleep at night. Tossing and turning. Tossing and turning. I feel scared every single day and I have no freaking idea what am I afraid of. For sure, I wasn't afraid of Ghost and spirit or whatsoever. I keep having nightmares in my dream and waking up in the middle of the night.

Honestly, I don't know what has become of me. I have been this lifeless and pretending to be happy for the past 4 months of my life.

Everyone have been asking where is the bubbly side of me, the cheerful girl who carve smiles on people faces and gave free-load laughter.

But there's nothing left to me now. Nothing left to my life. I guess I am not that girl anymore now.

Every day I pray...

Just take me away, God. Take me away.  I know He won't test me something that is beyond my capability but I guess this is something I cannot do it anymore. People struggle hoping to live another day, while I struggle not wanting to do this anymore.

So tell me, what am I now?

Maybe. Maybe I was just afraid to be left, to be abandoned. But how afraid can I be now? Haven't I been abandoned so badly already?! So? What else am I afraid of now? Maybe this is what I've been doing. I've been holding on. I wasn't prepared to fully let go. I just cannot let go. I had my hand gripped so hard onto what is before. Just like how little kids who hold on tight to their parents, not wanting to let go because they are afraid. The world out there is far way to scary for me than I could ever imagine. I don't want to let go. I am not prepared. Give me time. Give me some more time. If I could turn back time. But no, I don't want to move forward.

Just... Just protect me. Guard my heart.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie

Yellow

Dear Diary,

Comes March and I still find myself stuck in the history of you & I. Why? Why I asked myself. I used to handle separation quite well. But how come not this time? Maybe because this separation it's a bit unusual.

Why am I so attached to this whole idea of you and I? Why do I want this so much? Why do I still love you so much? What is so great about you? You are just another Allah's SWT creation like any other. Another creation that is not perfect, who makes mistakes like any other human being on earth. But why do my heart still resides in you?

I should feel Allah SWT is greater for creating you, in fact the greatest because He is perfect. He doesn't make mistakes and above all, He is the creator of all creation.

Shouldn't I feel attach to Him more than you and not feel hurt at all? Shouldn't I feel at ease for what He has already written and plan for me, lay out everything for me?

This attachment I have for you is hurting me. It's breaking me apart every single day. It's doing me more harm than good. It's drowning me down than lifting me up. I find it hard to get on with my life. I tried. I honestly tried. But... I just can't.

I know there are many people out there who is so so so so nice. And may Allah SWT bless all of you for always trying to make me smile, happy and trying so much to make me move on. But I always believe to move on in life, it has to start from me. From myself.

But I have not been doing anything to help myself. I tried and I stumbled again. I thought I did and I fall again. I get up thinking I'm fine and as I walk, I tripped and here I am again. Back to square one. Just how could I.

Ya Allah, I have never stopped praying and making doa. Nobody would understand what I have to go through besides You. Nobody would understand why am I feeling this way, besides You. No one would understand anything or even everything, besides You. For once, make me feel at ease. Make me feel okay.

I just need that. I badly need that. Just to feel 'fine' for once. Feel 'okay' like it used to be.

---

Look at the stars
 Look how they shine for you
 And everything you do
 Yeah they were all yellow

I came along
 I wrote a song for you
 And all the things you do
 And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
 Oh what a thing to have done
 And it was all yellow

Your skin
 Oh yeah your skin and bones
 Turn into something beautiful
 You know you know I love you so
 You know I love you so

I swam across
 I jumped across for you
 Oh what a thing to do

Cause you were all yellow
 I drew a line
 I drew a line for you
 Oh what a thing to do
 And it was all yellow

Your skin
 Oh yeah your skin and bones
 Turn into something beautiful
 And you know
 For you I'd bleed myself dry
 For you I'd bleed myself dry

It's true
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine for
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine for you
 Look how they shine

Look at the stars
 Look how they shine for you
 And all the things that you do

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#Prayinghard

Ah Boys To Men 3: Frogmen

Dear Diary,

I guess my hormones haven't been so nice to me lately. I hate it when this happens. It's like there isn't anything that you have to be upset about but you end up getting upset about anything and everything in the world. This frustrates me, a lot! You just can't control it, it just happens.

I'm trying very hard nowadays to not complain about my problems elsewhere besides to Allah, besides in my prayers. But SOMETIMES, I just can't help it but to pen it down which I do best. And today, I don't even want to get there on what are my thoughts. What is basically haunting me.

So let's put that all aside.

Friday and the weekends are my cheat day. And so yesterday, I was craving for rice and I headed to a stall nearby Tanglin Mall where a Malay family sells Nasi Padang. The price is not cheap, a rice + 3 vegetables could easily cost up to $4.50 what more if you have 1 meat, you end up paying $5 +++. But heck, I was so hungry yesterday.

Me: Cik. Nasi bungkus, satu.
Uncle: Lauk apa awak nak?
Me: Kasih saya kuah lemak cili padi dengan ayam dia sekali, hot dog dengan fishcake tu, sama telur.
Uncle: Okay.
Me: Brape cik?
Uncle: Sebab awak cantik, gigi awak pun cantik. Abang kasih $1 discount.
Me: Ah? Terima kasih banyak-banyak.
Uncle: Sama-sama. Besok jangan lupa datang lagi okay.

May Allah bless his good deeds! The moment I opened my food package to eat, the amount of rice is OH MY GOODNESS. Hahahahaha! So much rice. Lol!  He was sure a generous man. But I end up vomiting because I was too full. Oh dear.

I took half-day leave yesterday because I had an appointment with NSC. The moment I met up with the doctor. I got told off by her because I had bangs. She told me now it's not a good idea for me to have bangs and asked me to clip up my fringe, not until my face clears up. Tskkk.

But hormones you know what! First time ever I had such a fierce doctor. And so I was put on antibiotics again. Gosh! I HATE this medicine to the core. I have been taking this for almost a good one year. I don't want to grow resistance to this antibiotic or even put my liver to harm for a long term antibiotic used. And the amount I spend each time paying for skin doctor is just errrrrrrrrr.  Money. Money. Money.

Headed home in the train, there was this old man standing and so I gave up my seat for him. After which, 2 person gave up their seat for me. I don't know why, but there are times that I meet kind soul like this. And they didn't give up their seat because I look pregnant or old & fragile okay! Lol!

---

I was craving for llao llao and the nearest llao llao I could think of was in Westmall. So I decided to kill 2 birds with 1 stone. I decided to watch 'Ah Boys to Men 3: Frogmen' too after llao llao. The movie is SUPER HILARIOUS that I end up laughing like I have never laugh this hard for the longest time.  I knew I was laughing that loud because the girl that sat in front of me, turned to look behind. HAHAHAHA! But honestly, this movie is worth my every penny! And I could see that those boys really train and work so hard for this movie. Just by watching this movie, I felt the struggle and tiredness of the training. Thus, I have to salute the NDU (Naval Diving Unit) boys for enduring such hard core training. FUH! A salute!

 

Rating: 5/5 Popcorns!

Maybe I was born to have more testosterone. HAHA! Because after watching that movie, I told myself, I would LOVE to have that kind of hard core training and I wish I was in the army like my girlfriend, Amanda. She always tell me it's crazy and that I might not be able to take it but you'll be surprised.

If I hadn't fall sick before, I would have either sign up for the Army or the SPF after completing my Diploma, honestly. Because I am always into all these, trainings and man-stuff. Haha! Even though my NPCC days are not as crazy as that but it was of course a quarter crazy. I remember those hard core, then, training I had. The running, the drills, the shooting, the courses after courses, camp after camp, competitions after competitions, test after test, exam after exams, interviews after interviews, punishment after punishment. Everything was not only physical challenging for me, they were also mentally challenging. And I was the only 1 of the 2 girls there. If you're not strong enough, you either drop and quit like some of them. But I stayed and work my way till I was promoted to Station Inspector before finally leaving school. I am not that lembik okay!

And besides the pumping position down, drop 20, drop 50 punishment etc and having to scrape our mass tin off with sands to remove the black marks due to "cooking" and picking tiny bits of food that drops on the floor, I still remember the CHANGING PARADE!! I hated this to the core. Hahaha! Already in the morning and afternoon, you go through so much hard core trainings that tires you like crazy in Full Uniform. And when at night in your PT attire, you are already settled down wanting to have a good sleep after a long day. But 3 hours into your sleep like 0230 hours in the morning, you are woken up with shoutings, siren and loud bangs of the dustbin to change to your Full Uniform again within 10 minutes.

I remember I was sleeping on the table with my other girl squadmate in the classroom when I jumped down from the table and slightly sprained my ankle. But I wasn't given much excuse though. I didn't even had time to rush to the toilet to change. So both of us quickly grabbed our uniform cover sheet, undress from our PT attire, inside the classroom while squatting down so that the boys wouldn't see us, and change into our Full inform.

So for every crumpled uniform or whatever that wasn't up to standard, your badges, your socks, untie shoe lace or whatever, for every 1 accountable mistake, you had to drop 5 each. Lol! I think I had to drop 5 due to my name tag that was slanted. HAHA! I was lucky that my uniform wasn't that crumpled because I remember chucking it away thinking we wouldn't need to wear it anymore.  Oh well, those were the days. At least, I get to taste all these and not be left out about how hard a uniformed group trainings can get. Especially when it is both physically and mentally challenging.

Till here. Today shall be a relax Saturday for me that I am finally not working and taking a break. I shall laze around like a Snorlax today. Hooyah!

 

 

 

 

HOOYAH! HOOYAH! HOOYAH! HOOYAH! HOOYAH! Hehehehehe!

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie