Over Banquet. #PrayforAzie

Dear Diary,

It was an impromptu meet up with Cousin Lyna today over dinner. She was feeling rather down and needed someone to talk to. 

I already had plans to go for my run after work today since I think of all people, I am the one who is in NEED of Endorphins. But I guess there is nothing wrong being selfless. Being there for someone who have problems even though, you yourself are facing with one huge one. And you yourself can't seems to get out, get over your own problems.

After ordering our food and settling down,

We both had Mee Hoon Kuay.

I wish I could do wonders or magic and make my loved ones happy but that's not the case. This is life. The dunya is created in such a way to break you and to test you, fill you with many obstacles. And it's only in the thereafter, where it all reflects on your 'afterlife' depending on your actions and your take in life.

It's not easy sometimes to feel okay when you're pretty down, feeling at your lowest. You turn to Him. You know He is listening, yet this devils can just whisper to your ears each time, asking you to give up. Give up in hope.   Give up in life.

A few occasion that I really wish God will take my life and give it someone who deserve to live. I shouldn't even have this thoughts, I know I know.  But honestly, NOBODY would care if I were to leave this world. I would rather give it to someone who deserve it more than I do.

And a few occasion that I feel, why does God still wants me to continue living in this vicious world full of mean people who are there to prey on me, break me, kill me and destroy me. The more I live, the more depressed I feel. The more I live, the more I don't see my purpose of living. The more I live, the more vulnerable I feel. The more we live, the more we sin. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I'm only human.

Everyday I wake up feeling scared. Everyday I go to bed crying. Every night before I sleep, I have to listen to syarahan that gives me the strength to go on with life and prayers plus selawat through my phone so that I could sleep. Every morning after my prayers I read the Qur'an before work just to make myself feel at ease.

I sign up for many things just to tire myself, to distract myself but sometimes, I still find myself falling back to square one. I may look okay but deep down only Allah knows how hurtful this is for me. Nobody knows what I have to go through, but it's okay..

I guess I need more guidance in life. And if my time is up, I hope He take my life while I'm at my repentance state.

Please pray for me. Pray for Azie.

And you didn't even bother asking me how am I after all these months.

XOXO,

Princess Azie Anni ♥
#PrayforAzie