Heartbreak

Dear Diary,

So here I am in the office, waiting alone.

I don't wish to go back home, despite the thoughts of laundry is at the back of my mind.

Ever since Mama is no longer around, everything feels different at home. I don't know if this is even right for me to pen down my thoughts about home and letting the whole world know. I just hope the whole world doesn't know my blog because this is the only way for me to feel better at least, besides crying and pouring my whole heart out during prayers.

I am afraid to be telling people stuff too. I do not want other people to judge, neither do I want to trouble people into hearing my problems. Either way, I think I've come to a point whereby I have told D enough stuff. So I decide to bottle everything inside of me and maybe writing down here in this little tiny space of mine. Can't even believe I'm crying away as I'm typing this...

Honestly, I feel like no one ever appreciate my presence at home. Nobody treats me like how I'm supposed to be treated. Maybe I'm expecting too much? But what is too much if all I'm asking is for people to be understanding to my situation. Stop asking me for money, not when I am in need for now. I don't ask anyone for money. Stop bullying me around the house. I don't bully people around the house, in fact I do the household chores for everyone. Stop disparaging me as if I have the slightest feelings on earth. Stop slandering me when I'm trying to make a point, like as if my thoughts and feelings meant nothing.

As far as I'm big enough almost hitting my big 30's in a few years time, even when I'm going to get married, I still miss being pampered or love like how those times with Mama felt. Well, at least someone in the family, someone whom I could always feel safe with or share anything without slandering me. But ever since Mama is no longer around, nobody ever care to ask about my well-being, whether have I eaten, how was my day, if I ever come back home etc etc etc.

Don't bother about D. He rarely ask me this kinda stuff.

It always feel like I care too much and nobody ever does.

Ya Allah, do not let me go through another heartbreak of losing the people I love, like how I lose Mama. It's not that I do not redha, I redha the day You took Mama back. I know we don't have the right to choose but I always make doa that I don't have to go through another heartbreak of losing the people I love. So if the next person have to go, let it be me. Because they can live without me but I cannot live without them, and I don't think I can handle being in this kind of position anymore. Amin.

With love,
Azie.